Out of Control

I am trying to let go of things that are out of my control. I really am. But oh my God they’re driving me crazy! It would be different if people would stop bringing stuff to me. They know I am a fixer, doer, motherer, etc. If you present me with a problem, I usually have a solution. That is who I am. Now if I only had all these solutions for my own life…I’m working on it, though.

I have a friend who is going through a divorce who needed me to help her with something. She wanted me to help yesterday. I was in the middle of finishing stuff for school. Did I tell you I’m back in school at 50? No? Well, I am. So she wanted me to drop everything for her crisis and help her and her new boyfriend. No. I told her they could have my assistance today. What does she do today about 20 minutes before time to meet up? Sends a text saying “never mind! we don’t want to bother you.” I’m sorry, but you bothered me about it multiple times yesterday and a few times today. Could you not have given me more notice?

Another friend that I have been helping with social media…she is going to use the last of what little patience I have left. I told her she needed to put a friendly post about something she needs on a group we are in on FB. What does she do? Puts a post up like an ISO ad. Nothing friendly. I sent her a long message explaining the protocol of the group and told her to fix the post. She is going to end up pissing off a bunch of people who are her target audience.

I realize a large part of this is my fault. I get it! But honest to God I don’t know how to turn it off. I’m in therapy and still haven’t figured this shit out.

• What makes me a drama magnet?
• Why do I feel the need to help?
• Will it ever stop?
• Why do I get so angry?

These are questions I ask myself all the time. Ohhh…and why can I fix their shit but not my own? Well, I did say I am working on that and I really am. I have started asking myself, “what would you tell someone else to do?” and it usually works. And sometimes I follow my own advice! And it works!

Are any of you like this? What do you do?

S.A.D.

I’ve been struggling lately. Between Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), holidays, finances, relationships and memories, I have been depressed.

I have one friend right now who is right there with me. I almost feel like she makes me a little codependent, but at least someone listens. I have mostly felt pretty alone.

I am alone. And it’s been hard. The one guy that was in and out of my life is just too much drama and I can’t deal with him anymore. I have enough to deal with without him hurting my feelings every other day. My ex wants back in my life but he is an ex for a reason. We can be friends but that is it. As far as any other men, no. I am just kinda over the whole dating and relationship bullshit for now. I know that will change later. But today? No.

I just want to quit crying. I want to laugh. And right now I don’t know if I can. I just don’t know. I got my feelings hurt tonight and it was like someone slapped me. It shouldn’t have hurt so much, but it did. I almost threw out my typical Fuck You or Kiss My Ass, but I didn’t. I tried to take the high road and I told him, “I’m glad you’re good and busy.” I told my codependent friend what happened and she laughed and said, “well that’s the same as saying “kiss my ass”. I agreed. That was the underlying message. I hope he understood that.

My cat is having surgery on Monday. Pretty expensive. And here’s something…I know I am loved. My friends raised $200 to help with the costs. So I know that I have people that love me even though it feels like I don’t. And I am worried about my cat. There’s a large cyst on her side that I don’t know what it is.

The holidays are here and there are so many memories that come up that it just hurts. I want to crawl in the bed and just stay there. Actually, next week I can. My cat is having surgery on Monday so we are having a light and easy week next week. No celebrations here. Just us.

I guess the point to this is be kind to others. You never know what they’re going through. I put on a smile at work but I am going through hell internally. I want to just cry most of the time. I can’t. I wait until I get home. Usually I can keep it together but then someone says something hurtful or something happens that just opens the floodgates. I’m heading to bed to hopefully be able to put that smile on tomorrow. Then I can get through the day to come home and do it all over again.