I am a God-fearing Christian woman. Make no mistake. But I am hurting tonight. On Valentine’s Day and the day after my heart was hurt and yet hurt yet again. He said he loved me but he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m hurting tonight and the only way I knew to ease that pain somehow was to drink. I have drunk so much that I can’t feel my tongue and the room spins when I close my eyes.
I’m going to be truthful, though. I thought he was the one. I thought we could overcome and surpass anything. I loved him. How stupid I am to think that in my mid 40s? Pretty damn stupid.
So tonight I got drunk. Really drunk. I’m examining my life and it really sucks. I am not suicidal but I am so hurt and angry right now that i don’t know what to do or say.
I believed. I really did. Now I don’t know what I think. I believe it for others but not for myself. It’s too late.
Humans want to have love. It is something we crave. I have wanted it since I was a child..to feel truly loved. And I haven’t felt loved, never completely. For a brief moment I did. And then it was over. On Valentine’s Day and the day after. How romantic.
So now the pain has caught up and I’m drunk and hurt. Is it good to do this? No. But I don’t have anyone to turn to. I’m alone. I just want to cry to someone. I can’t. So I type and cry to you. I believed. I did.
So while every other aspect of life is so -so, this one is debilitating. I just want to hibernate and sleep or cry. I hurt.
So Alabama is an ass. He is also childish. He tried to start some crap on a mutual friend’s Facebook by posting something about how when he sees something he doesn’t like in someone he will ignore them or something to that effect. It was on a thread that was inappropriate. He knew I would see it and he was trying to provoke me. He knows I have a temper. I was able to control it, though. I let his post sit there. He looked like a jackass. He got called out by the original poster of the first comment. He started arguing with them. He never contacted me personally. Why? He wasn’t man enough to actually speak with me. I’m not sure if the mutual friend was telling him anything I said to her but I let her know that he was more than welcome to call, text or message me. I wasn’t afraid to speak with him but that I wasn’t stooping to a public fight.
I started to move on and decided to check an online dating site. There was this one guy (NerdyGuy) that was too cute and persistent. I liked it. I liked him. So after he asked me out 3 times and I was unable to go he was not liking that. And I do see why. He thought I didn’t want to. I did, but he wanted to go last minute on a first date. WHAT?!?!?!?!? No! I finally snapped at him and explained that I was busy for the first time in months and I needed to plan. I had cleared my calendar for him for the next week if he wanted to go out. He started to realize that I wasn’t rejecting him but that I had things going on. So I asked him what day. He told me to pick it. I picked Tuesday. He told me to pick a restaurant. I picked one that had trivia night on Tuesdays. I asked if he was ok with all of that. He was.
It was the BEST first date of my life. I laughed for 2.5 hours. He held my hand a little. We felt like kids. He walked me to my car. Hugged me good night. Texted me when he got home. Texted me the next morning to tell me he had a good time. We texted throughout the week. I asked him what his weekend looked like and he said no plans. I asked would he like plans and he said yes. I asked would he like plans with me and he said of course. We have texted and talked all week. So tonight is our second date. I hope it is as easy as Tuesday. He makes me smile and laugh and feel like I’m a teenager again.
Yes, I cared about Alabama but he didn’t seem to have the depth that NerdyGuy does. NerdyGuy is who is. He goes to church weekly and is attentive in the ways I need and want. He makes me laugh.
We’ll see. I’m seeing how it goes.I don’t want to get hurt again.
I have been making life changes since the beginning of the year. I decided this was going to be my year. It feels weird. Last year I was so unhappy. I was at a point where nothing sounded good and living just hurt. I am now at a point where I am learning that life can be good and it is OK to laugh and smile. I like being spoken to as an adult who matters. I like having a man think that I am smart, funny, sexy and lots of other things. I like that my body is changing and that I turn other men’s heads from time to time. The other day I must have been having a good day because I sent Alabama a selfie and he said he nearly fell off his seat, another man wouldn’t quit staring as I walked across the parking lot and there was more than one double-take. I’m a middle-aged woman and that does something for the ego. I won’t lie…I checked the mirror to see if there was a booger or something. I was like WTF?
I think all of these changes really have done something for my ego, though. I don’t walk into a place and look at the floor anymore. I look straight ahead or wherever else I might want to look. If I catch someone’s eyes accidentally, I don’t act ashamed. I walk with more confidence. That sounds odd I know but I take long strides now.
Yesterday as I was driving, there was a little snarl and I needed out of the mess. If I could exit, it would fix the whole thing. Well men were everywhere. I looked at all them and kinda shrugged like “Please?” and they all graciously parted for me to get through and all smiled and waved. Do you think that the woman from last year would have done that? No. She would have backed up and tried something else. This woman just went right through it and the problem was solved. I waved at all of them and kept going.
I don’t know if I have found the one or not. A part of me wishes we lived closer. A part of me is glad we don’t. While I love the mountains of Western North Carolina, I want to leave them. I have for years. I have prayed to leave. I have so many bad memories here. I love the beauty of the mountains. It is gorgeous. But there are many things I want to escape. Alabama is home. He lives in a different part than what I grew up in but it is all home.
So he and I talked and one thing we say which is odd is “I miss you.” We always kind of laugh because how do you miss someone you have never met? And yet we do. I miss him when I am not talking to him. I miss him when I don’t know what he is doing. I woke up this morning missing him. I have never even kissed the man and yet I missed him. And he says the same thing. “Anonymous, Baby, I just miss you. And it’s crazy. I think about you when I fall asleep. I wake up thinking about you. I woke up reaching for you this morning.” My heart melted.
And you know what? I am not a completely sappy person. Usually I kinda gag at stuff like this. And yet here I am all smiles and soft, dewy light. A coworker was like, “What the hell is wrong with you?” I just smiled a Mona Lisa smile and said, “Alabama.” She shook her head and was like, “OMG…you’ve lost your mind.” I thought to myself, “Yes. And my heart.”
I now understand those dumb love songs. I get what they mean. I hear them and smile. I sing so much more now. I have music in my head and heart. I am a damn fool.
I keep thinking of this song…
I had been feeling such ugliness and wanting changes of my own. I prayed and cried and wept and wailed. Two weeks ago I met a man who may not be Mr. Right but he sure does make me laugh. He is making me consider everything in my life. Funny thing is that he is originally from where I live now and he is now living in my homestate. I have laughed with him so much that my face hurts. We haven’t labeled it but there is something. We have both said that we can’t imagine seeing other people while we are feeling all this craziness. I don’t know where it will go. We haven’t met in person yet because it is several hundreds of miles apart. But we are getting to know each other and and trying to figure things out. It isn’t easy but he makes me happy. We’ll see where it goes…
Today is my birthday. It is also my mother’s birthday. She’s dead. Has been for almost 19 years. Try as I might, I have been unsuccessful for 19 years to make peace with this day. We spent every one together for 25 years and then no more. It is hard because all of these memories flood my mind and heart and I usually break down in tears. That is why I always try to take my birthday off from work. I don’t want a barrage of memories to invade my mind and to bring more emotions to a negative place.
Yesterday I found out that my oldest aunt on my mother’s side died. She died a peaceful death, if there is such a thing. She was old and she had medical issues. It was time. She ate lunch and took a nap and never woke up. Kinda the way my mother died except Mama had a heart attack in her sleep.
I have made it another circle around the sun. It feels like a carousel sometimes. Sometimes you want to lean back as you hold tight and close your eyes and just savor the moment. Other times you feel as if the carousel is a little too fast and you’re nauseous and just want off the stupid thing. I am not sure which one I feel now. I think I am a little numb.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. (What else is new?) I haven’t liked how my life has been going for a long time. So what to do? I haven’t been sure. I have been contemplating, thinking, wishing, praying, etc.
I am not a person who thrives on change. In fact, I don’t like change. It scares me. I have made some really bad decisions in life. Those decisions have been painful and even harmful to myself. No, I don’t cut myself or anything. But I do have an eating disorder that has caused me to be more than a little overweight. I did that to myself. People usually think of eating disorders as anorexia or bulimia. I don’t not eat. I also don’t make myself throw up. I just eat…a lot. I think I did it as a way of self preservation. People have hurt me mentally, physically and emotionally. If you build a buffer around yourself then people don’t get close usually. The people who really care will. In general, though, society will stay away.
It is ironic that what I did to protect myself ended up hurting me. I didn’t want people to hurt me and yet I hurt myself. I didn’t want people around and yet I miss them. Crazy, huh?
After all of this thinking, I came to the conclusion that while weight is now my problem, another huge issue is the fact that I have been surrounded by a lot of negative people. Some of those people were my choice and some others were forced upon me.
What to do? I’m fat and I don’t like the negative people in my life. I have been listening lately to what I call the “Jesus Station” on the radio. It seems that between the Jesus Station and other forms of communication I keep hearing the same theme. Pretty much I have come to the conclusion that if I want a change of any sort I need to focus on positive things. This includes taking care of myself mentally and physically. I am not saying that weight loss will solve my problems. I believe being positive will only be beneficial. How can it not be? If I work on feeling better physically, shouldn’t I also feel better mentally? I suppose. I hope. Positivity also includes working toward doing positive things in general. Blessing others blesses me. It gives me a warmth in my heart and soul that food often gives me. Rather than eating so much, maybe I need to focus on being positive. Feeding my soul is much healthier than feeding my body too much.
It feels like resolutions and it is a little early for that. Maybe instead of resolutions, though, I should just do the best I can. I honestly can’t do anymore than that. Focus on positive for myself and others.