Stupid heart

I have been staying busy with church. Funny thing is that the pastor suggested I take a class that my ex is in. I have been in it a few weeks.

The week before I started the class, I saw my ex at church. I had just gotten a text that my aunt was dying and I was reading it and my facial expression must have been one of horror. I had tears in my eyes. He came up to me and asked what was wrong and I told him and he hugged me so tight and just held me. I told him I thought he hated me and he said he never hated me. I told him I  thought so. We pulled apart and he looked down at me and I looked up. There was a look of love in his eyes for just a moment and then in a blink it was gone. He must have felt it there and knew he had to shut it down. I know it wasn’t my imagination. It made me so angry. I wanted to just slap him and ask him how he could turn it on and off so easily. I didn’t. We talked for a few more minutes and I was crying because of the concern for my aunt. It was scary. There was a possibility of her surviving but it seemed so small of a chance. He hugged me again and off we went in separate directions. It hurt on so many levels.

On the way home I was angry and hurt and I called him and I just flat-out asked if he had ever loved me. His answer surprised me. It wasn’t clear-cut and that made me angry. He said yes and no. That is not an answer! He said he knew I didn’t want to hear that but that was all he could say. I told him no that wasn’t what I wanted to hear and that I would rather have heard no. He seemed shocked by that. I also told him that I had loved him and there was no doubt on my part but it didn’t really matter. I thanked him for his honesty. I then dropped the bomb on him that I would be in his class at church the next week and to not be surprised. I told him I had spoken with the pastor and that he felt I should come. I told him I had met with the pastor to determine what my path should be as far as the church went and he seemed stunned. I told him I would be there and that it wasn’t for him and that it was completely for me and to not be surprised when I showed up. He said ok. He said the class was helping him a lot and I just said flatly, “Good.” I thanked him for his time and honesty and hung up.

Over that weekend I went home to Alabama and it was a well-needed trip. My aunt survived. She isn’t doing well and I will probably never see her alive again. But I felt so loved. It made me want to move home.

I came back refreshed and revived and I went to the class. I got there early in order to get a seat close to the door. I wanted to be prepared in case I needed to run. He is usually an early bird but he got there right before the class started. I was texting to a friend. He said hi and I barely said hello and it was not in a nice tone. He stood for a moment before walking away. I didn’t have to speak anymore that night. The lesson was on relationships and to treat others kindly and  to be more empathetic and caring rather than so me-centric. And to try to look at the other person’s POV rather than being so reactive. They also spoke of not giving up so quickly.I literally saw him squirm 3 times. We broke up into men/women’s groups. The women’s group got done early and I didn’t have to see him. I just left.

This past week I went back. I saw a mutual friend in the hall and chatted. Then I went in and sat with one of the girls and was laughing and chatting. He walked in and said softly, “Hey, Anonymous.” I looked over and said while laughing, “Hey! How are ya” and turned back to my friend. He seemed stunned then too. So then everyone came in and settled down and we watched a video which was about amends and how to make amends. It wasn’t the most comfortable video. We broke up into men/women’s groups. Our group talked and really discussed a lot of things. The women knew my story and that he was back there. So I led us in prayer and finished up. Here he comes back up. He touched my elbow and said quietly, “Hey, Anonymous…I’ll see you later, ok?” I was stunned and didn’t know how to react so I just said, “Sure, have a good night!” I mean I am at church and can’t yell or cuss. I turned back to the women and they all look stunned. Two of the women said for sure that he seemed very caring the way he said it. I was just like I don’t know what to think. As the women and I walked down to leave, there he was at the front door. Great…so we went on to the front because it was time to go. I hear, “Anonymous.” And then I hear, “There she is! Anonymous! Come here” I’m thinking NOOOOOOO. But I go over to where ex and our mutual friend is and say, “Here I am! Tada! What’s up?” The friend says, “We were just talking about you.” I said, “Yeah, so I heard. What’s that about?” The friend says, “Only good things! Promise!” I said, “Yeah, yeah! I’ve heard that before.” He said, “Noooo…I was telling him I saw you upstairs.” I wasn’t buying it but I said, “You sure did! And we had a good talk. Look, y’all, the girls are getting ready to leave and I need to say goodbye to them. I hope y’all have a good night! I’ll see ya later! Bye!!” I walked away to the girls but I have been left with questions and uncertainty for days.

That night I could tell there was a change in his demeanor. He was softer. I don’t know what was the matter with him. Conviction? The men from his group telling him honestly about what they thought? No clue. The week before I had been dismissive and the sermon was hard because it was on how you treat people well in relationships and you don’t just treat them like crap. This week I had been polite and the sermon was about amends. Maybe he was feeling something? I don’t know.

What I know now is that I have prayed until I am frustrated. I have heard God finally and His answer was to be still and know that He is God. Ok…I know He is God. But that doesn’t ease my anxiety. That doesn’t let me know what the ex is up to. It is scary and frustrating.

My friend said she saw the whole thing and that he looked sincere. I said he seemed sincere, too, but I don’t trust it or him right now. He broke me. It took years to put me back together. And in just a little over 3 months time, he broke me. She said but you still love him? I said yes. She asked, “What if he wanted to try again?” I said it’s not that easy. I may love him but I love me more. I am not willing to just say it is ok. It’s not. I am broken and hurt and angry. I may not be acting that way at church, but it’s CHURCH. I’m being polite. She asked again, “What if he wanted back together?” I was honest. I said, “I love him and I would try on a condition that I don’t think he would do because he said no before. We would have to do counseling together. That is the only way.” She said that she thought after everything that it sounded fair. I told her I don’t think we have to worry about that.

This all happened on Wednesday. It is late Saturday night/early Sunday morning and I haven’t heard from him. Several of my friends said they thought he would contact me this week. I really didn’t think so. So far I am right. I am trying to be still and know God is God. And I am anxious about Wednesday. The only for sure thing about Wednesday is that I will look good.

If anybody has any thoughts, throw them out there. And throw a prayer up. My anxiety is wow!

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Election Stooges

Back to more pressing matters. What the hell is going on with the candidates for President in the United States? The way I see it is that we are just screwed. I don’t see one candidate that really is stellar. I see a whole bunch of stooges, though!

When Donald Trump came on the scene I honestly thought it was a joke. Seriously. I thought it was a joke to promote some dumb business of his. The joke hasn’t stopped and he actually has people on his bandwagon. And it scares the hell out of me. This man is an ego-maniac, narcissistic, pompous, uncouth loudmouth who feels he is qualified to lead our country? The man who now claims to be such a good Christian but has had 3 wives, each of whom he has cheated on (well maybe not Melania yet). He has been degrading towards women and talked openly about his disdain toward them. He also talks negatively about immigrants. Now I believe we should have a handle on who is entering out country and how, but his degrading comments are positively repulsive. They’re also laughable since he married 2 women who were not Americans! Hypocrite much, Trump? Also, what about his mockery of people with disabilities? If a man of his age and stature openly makes fun of someone with a disability, how can we trust him in important situations where he is representing our country and should be showing some decorum? We can’t. It’s that simple. Has the man  had luck in business? Absolutely. But this country isn’t just a business. It is so many more things than that. It needs a leader who can show diplomacy, decorum, humility and restraint. Donald Trump cannot do that.

The other Republican candidates are pretty iffy, too. They want to stand on their Christian beliefs as their main qualifications to be President. I’m a Christian but I’m not qualified to lead this country. Every now and then I have a good idea but it’s not enough. I don’t like Ted Cruz’s yelling mentality. He must think he is a Southern Baptist preacher or something. You don’t have to yell to get your point across. Have a good point and say it. Marco Rubio has some good points but I am not sure if he is ripe enough to get there.

Then we move on the the Democrats. Hillary or Bernie. Wow. I used to love Hillary…back when she was First Lady. Now not so much. After the email thing and Benghazi…no. And Bernie? Bernie, honey, you can’t make everything free and expect no one to have to pay for it. It has to be paid for and guess where that money is coming from? My pockets! I don’t like that!!!!!

All in all, I think Americans are going to be screwed. We don’t have a good choice. I can honestly say that I will vote for anyone OPPOSITE of Trump. I have to. I cannot, with good conscience, vote for that man.

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Shutting My Brain Down

I hate my brain at times. It won’t shut down. It replays painful things and analyzes them. Why did this happen? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him? Am I going to always hurt?

I want to go to bed right now but my brain is spinning. It won’t stop. I hurt but yet I am very angry. I want to tell him off but that is pointless. He would take it as “she still wants me” and what it really is is the fact that I think he is a pompous asshole who needs to be told that treating people that way is shitty.

I didn’t turn my love off. I can’t do that. But I realized that his treatment of me was horrific. My heart is still tender. I am sure it will be for a bit. I loved him honestly and without stipulations. He put limitations and stipulations on his feelings for me and placed blame on me for everything. That’s not fair or right.

I’m hurt and angry. At him, myself, God, the world…

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Alcohol doesn’t lie

I am a God-fearing Christian woman. Make no mistake. But I am hurting tonight. On Valentine’s Day and the day after my heart was hurt and yet hurt yet again. He said he loved me but he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m hurting tonight and the only way I knew to ease that pain somehow was to drink. I have drunk so much that I can’t feel my tongue and the room spins when I close my eyes.

I’m going to be truthful, though. I thought he was the one. I thought we could overcome and surpass anything. I loved him. How stupid I am to think that in my mid 40s? Pretty damn stupid.

So tonight I got drunk. Really drunk. I’m examining my life and it really sucks. I am not suicidal but I am so hurt and angry right now that i don’t know what to do or say.

I believed. I really did. Now I don’t know what I think. I believe it for others but not for myself. It’s too late.

Humans want to have love. It is something we crave. I have wanted it since I was a feel truly loved. And I haven’t felt loved, never completely. For a brief moment I did. And then it was over. On Valentine’s Day and the day after. How romantic.

So now the pain has caught up and I’m drunk and hurt. Is it good to do this? No. But I don’t have anyone to turn to. I’m alone. I just want to cry to someone. I can’t. So I type and cry to you. I believed. I did.

So while every other aspect of life is so -so, this one is debilitating. I just want to hibernate and sleep or cry. I hurt.




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Political Pranks

Please say that the people that are supposedly candidates are really just pranks. Please!!!!!!! I have been watching and waiting for someone to jump out and yell, “GOTCHA!” So far it hasn’t happened.

The candidates we have for president scare the hell out of me. I don’t like any of them. None. I used to like Hillary but then there have been so many cover ups and things that I just can’t like her anymore. Plus she’s already had her 8 years in the White House. I know Bill was President, but I don’t doubt for one minute that she wasn’t in his ear a few times telling him what to do. By the way, she should have told him more often to keep his pants up, but she seems to have gotten that under control. Or she took his viagra away. Who knows? Whatever the case is Bill is behaving. But Hillary hasn’t been.

And the Republican front runner makes me want to scream. Actually, I do scream at the television and computer screen when I hear some of the stupidity he spews. In a time of such unrest throughout the world, I really don’t think we need such a loose cannon running this country. He seems to think that he can say whatever he pleases with no ramifications. I’m sorry, Donald, but if you piss the world off, they do have weapons that they could all turn toward us. We really don’t need or want that. How about you shut your mouth and learn something about tact and diplomacy? There’s an old saying in the South: If you ain’t got something nice to say, then don’t say nothin’ at all. Try it just once in a while. I’m not saying be a wimp. But just because a thought crosses your mind, it doesn’t necessarily have to cross your lips.

I am not happy where we are at, but I am terrified of what is coming. These candidates are absolutely appalling. Again, I wish they were pranks, but unfortunately I don’t think they are. I think it’s real.

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Big Changes

NerdyGuy is the one!!! I love him so much. It amazes me how this man has snagged my heart. I will be Mrs. NerdyGuy eventually. Yes, he asked. And I did say yes.🙂 We haven’t set a date or anything. We have kept it kinda quiet because his family hasn’t met me yet.

I got friend requests from his daughter and mother on Facebook. That is a good thing I think. His daughter and I messaged back and forth yesterday and laughed about how he can quote certain movies and we tune him out. It was funny to share that with her. I think his mom is still on the fence about me but is trying. I posted a funny picture on her wall today and she liked it. I would love to have a mother-in-law that liked me. I had one years ago that hated me. This would be a nice change of pace.

So that is the news of the moment. I have no clue when we’re getting married, but we are. I told him I don’t want an actual engagement ring. I want an infinity wedding band. He was surprised because most women want the honking rock. I told him I have had a rock before and I don’t need it. I just want a pretty band and that is all. I don’t need fancy stuff. I showed him one that is similar to what I want and told him that was the idea to draw from and explained my reasoning on it. He liked it and liked that it wasn’t a super-expensive ring.

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Thanksgiving Time

I didn’t have a chance to write anything yesterday but I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. I did. I spent it with my adopted family. Since I don’t have my own family, I have a family that calls me theirs and I adore them. It’s a very crazy and dysfunctional family and I adore them.

There was lots of music, dancing and singing while we cooked. There was a lot of laughter. There was a lot of texting. NerdyGuy missed me and I missed him. He was with his family 2 hours away. I’m so glad he got to see them. I actually got to talk to his dad. That was interesting because neither of us were prepared. Good thing I can talk to anyone!🙂 I also got to meet my adopted niece’s boyfriend who is a doll. I think I might have a new nephew in the future.

Last night NerdyGuy told me he was coming home a day early. I was surprised. Happy in a way, but surprised. I don’t want him to give up time with his family for me. I’m here and will still be here. His grandmother and parents are older…they don’t get to see him often. I don’t mind sharing. He was theirs way before he was mine. They deserve time with him.

He’s going to be here any minute. I’m excited. I think I’m falling in love with him. It’s scary. This might be the one. It’s scary as hell. But I’m so happy. I’m so thankful he is in my life.


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