Self Perception

It’s so funny that I keep reminiscing and talking to people from back in the day. I talked to a guy tonight from way back and it shocked me how different he is. He has turned into a crazy cat dad. I am a crazy cat mom so I think it’s cool.

We were talking about back in the day. I told him that he was the cool, badass back then. He said he didn’t remember it that way. I was stunned. He was so cool. All the girls had crushes on him! I mean, ALL THE GIRLS!

Isn’t it funny how we can have such a different perception of things? He didn’t remember things the way I did at all. I saw him as this cool kid that seemed to always have wind blowing through his blond hair. He saw himself as just a regular ol’ guy.

We didn’t talk much back then. We lived in the same neighborhood. But he knew who I was immediately. He remembered me fondly. It was nice.

He doesn’t live too far from me. He is a bachelor. He doesn’t cook for himself much. I love to cook. We’re going to have dinner soon. A real home-cooked meal and just catching up. I’m smiling because it is so funny that Mr. Cool is gonna come have dinner with me.

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Nobody Said Life Was Fair

Nobody said life is fair. And it really isn’t. I have been thinking about how funny it is that some people can do all the right things and still not get good things. And some people can do all the wrong things and they get all the good things.

I have worked all my life to do what is right. I have tried to do right by others. I have worked hard all my life. I want to be a good person. Not because it is “the right thing to do”. No. It’s because it is who I am.

But I get so frustrated at times. I see people I know who don’t work hard but have so much. I see them do the wrong things and still get all the good things in life.

I am not jealous of what they have. I just don’t understand what I am doing wrong. Or am I doing something wrong? Am I so flawed that I will always struggle? Am I completely unlovable? Am I cursed? What the hell is going on in life?

I just really don’t get it. I know nobody said life is fair. But does it have to be so unfair?

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Greener Grass

Why is it that we always seem to want what we don’t have? I don’t have a husband, family, home of my own and so many other things. One of my best friends has all of these things. I think her grass is greener and she thinks mine is.

I know having a family is not always easy. I get it. But she has a husband that adores her. He is over the top at times, but he looks at her with complete and utter adoration. Her kids are pretty good overall. They act like normal kids. She doesn’t have to work outside the home. I would love to be loved like that.

She looks at my life and is like, “But it is so much easier!” I want to ask her on what planet my life is easier! I struggle daily to pay the bills. I have no one to lean on in times of trouble. I deal with every situation, crisis, problem on my own. I would love to know that someone had my back. I would love to know I could depend on someone other than myself.

It’s always easy to look at someone’s life and see all the good. But when you look, do you ever see any of the bad? Do you think about how someone like me sometimes cries themselves to sleep thinking they will be alone forever?

I do look at her life and see her husband is sometimes an ass. But he also takes care of everything. He can be irritating, but he is also caring.

So when you think someone is living a life that is fabulous, don’t forget they may be looking at yours and thinking the same thing. It’s funny how things are. But to be honest, the grass isn’t always greener.

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Maybe It’s The Moon

I don’t know if it’s the moon or what that has me so emotional today. I feel it so deeply and I have sat here crying tonight. My soul hurts. That’s the only way I can describe it. I don’t have any real physical aches. Just my soul is hurting and there’s no way to make it feel better right now.

I had a busy and frustrating day at work. Mondays are always that way. I never like a Monday. I survived, though. I came home and hoped I would feel better. I didn’t.

I hoped CutiePie would reach out. He didn’t. Not one word. That hurt. I think that whatever this is with us is actually nothing at all. I have to quit liking him. And that is hard. So I got upset about that. I reached out to him earlier today and he is just quiet. I am done. Just so fucking done.

My aunt called and told me my cousin who has mental retardation and is elderly had a stroke. That was very difficult. My aunt feels guilty for not recognizing the signs earlier. My poor cousin is in the hospital. It’s just difficult. The one good thing about that is that my aunt did call me rather than just not telling me. My family is very bad about not telling me things. They might mention it in passing months later like it was no big deal. And then I feel like they don’t love me because they don’t treat me like family. She actually treated me like family tonight. It’s the first time in a while.

So right now my heart is feeling quite tender and I hate that feeling. I feel vulnerable and like a mess. And it hurts because I just want a damn hug and I can’t have one. So maybe it’s the moon. Maybe it’s just a lot of shit piling up. I don’t know. I only know I hate this feeling. I feel alone, scared, hurt and drained.

Thankfully it is bedtime. Maybe sleep will help. I hope.

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Overdoing It

Since I have been back home I have been busy! I was so used to working 7 days a week that I didn’t know what to do with all this extra time. For a while I wasn’t hanging out with friends. I just couldn’t get into that groove. So what to do? I probably should have been exercising and stuff, but I wasn’t. I am trying to add that in now.

What I was doing was working online. I was helping a friend out with social media promotion for her business as well as helping her run another business. I loved it. She suggested that I take on clients for social media. I thought about it and said, “Why not?” So I put together a social media website and got a client. So far I just have one, but that is all I want for now. I want to see how this one does. I hope to add more. But this is like dipping my toe in the water. The water is a little cold so I’m waiting until it warms up a little. But I am enjoying the challenge.

I have also started a small event management business. It’s only things on the weekends so I can still do my 9-5. I’m good at it. I’m still learning how to navigate it here in my new old hometown. Things have changed. But I know so many people that it makes it a little easier.

This weekend is a little crazy. I have both the side gigs going full force. Plus I asked CutiePie if he wants to do Sunday dinner. He’s being coy. I told him it was fine if he didn’t want to because I kind of overextended myself and need to know whether he is coming so I can know whether or not to go to grocery store. He said, “Ya know, I can go to the store.” And I said, “You don’t know what I need.” Of course that got a little snicker of “I know what you need…” and we both laughed. He said, “Well, I might just have to go get something and cook and bring it to you!” That made me smile.

So here I am working like crazy and hopefully it will pay off. I sure hope so.

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Living and Trying To Love

So I have been back home for a year now. During this time I have dated more than I did in the last two years I was in Asheville. It’s kind of amazing. I am Ms. Social! There’s actually men here that I want to go out with.

I dated a paramedic for a while but he was not ready to date. He was finishing up his divorce. So not ready to date, though. He had a kid that pretty much called the shots for his time. I get his kid is important. Of course! But when his kid just was tired of being somewhere and wanted to be picked up after 30 minutes…ummm….no. And his ex would text and crap when we were together. It was too much. He would get mad and then get snide and snippy with me. I finally told him I wasn’t putting up with it and he needed to deal with his shit.

Then I started dating some other guys. And I found the most handsome man I have ever dated in my life. But he is more than handsome. He is smart and funny and sweet and kind. We get along. We laugh. We have chemistry. There’s a problem, though. He has always dated skinny blondes and I am not skinny nor am I a blonde. I think it throws him off. He doesn’t know what to think. I have kissed him. I know there’s attraction. We both feel it. But he has issues with trust and love. And I get it. So I am trying to be patient. This is not my strong suit. AT ALL! He told me he doesn’t want to ruin our friendship. And the thing is I know he is telling the truth. He’s not bullshitting me. I know he’s trying to figure things out. He didn’t tell me that part. But I see his wheels turning.

We have started having Sunday dinners. He told me last night, “So…these Sunday dinners are starting to become a thing. It might turn into something.” And he kinda looked at me coy. And I said, “Yeah. Is that ok?” He said, “Yeah. It’s ok.” Then we talked about what we wanted for the next Sunday dinner. And the next one.

So guys…I’m thinking this is a good sign. I hope so anyway.

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OMG She’s Back Again

It’s been a while. I have had quite a bit of experiences over the last year. A LOT! Since I last left you I have moved. Not just down the street. No. I moved 300+ miles away. I moved back to my hometown. I am back in Alabama. I have thought about it for so long and finally it happened. I loved Asheville, NC but it was killing me financially and physically. It’s a beautiful place, but unless you are in a high paying job, you can’t afford to live there. I was working 7 days a week and had to have a roommate and still struggling.  My physical health was deteriorating. I was in pain a lot. I was staying depressed. All of this added up to Anonymous needed a change.

I was leaving my home of 21 years. It wasn’t easy. It was painful and scary. I was coming back to the home that I had run away from. I had such mixed emotions. I didn’t have any immediate family waiting. I honestly didn’t know what I had waiting. I hoped it would be better than what I was leaving.

When I moved it was hard. I had a crush on a man for a long time and it was a fucked up situation. He seemed interested and yet he wouldn’t act. So I told him I was leaving and what does he do? Suddenly he was all about seeing me before I left. It was comical to tell you the truth. This started us messaging because I was gone. He has become one of my good friends. He is a handsome and interesting man. I also found out recently he is married. Of course he is. He didn’t tell me. Some investigating did. I haven’t told him yet that I know. I only found out recently. He might figure out something is up because of the tone of my messages. It is changing. He never lied. I don’t fault him. We all get unhappy at times. I’ll still be his friend. He is a smart and interesting man.

I got here and started a job that I hated. I hated the people and the job and everything about it. They tried to make me feel like an idiot daily. I was so angry. I was so frustrated that I fucked up. I left a job I loved for this? What the fuck? I was looking desperately for something else. They seemed to not like me as much as I hated them. They let me go. The funny thing was I didn’t say I was sorry. I didn’t beg for my job. I looked at them calmly and asked, “Is that all? I have to leave. I am going to be late to the job interview I was going to.” I loved that very moment. They stood there shocked. I said, “I wasn’t happy either and wanted out of this place. Y’all are horrible to work for.”

After the first job experience I was scared. Oh my God! What kind of job am I going to get? I have to be able to pay rent! I started looking and the very next day my transmission blew. Yes! I know. What the hell kind of luck is that? My kind. And I had an interview the next day. I was so grateful that one of my oldest best friends let me borrow his truck and I was able to go and get a job. I started at a business that was similar to the first so I was really hesitant. The thing was that I liked the people I worked with. I worked there and got to know things slowly. The people were mostly great. But my schedule started getting crazy. I was working sometimes 10-hour days for 9 days straight. That was not pleasant. And they kept changing things.

My coworker and I were getting tired of being jerked around on hours. It was a confusing schedule to say the least. But it was always something where I would end up working longer than I should. So when I voiced my concerns, I was told that those were the hours and that was that. Well, that didn’t fly. I mean, I didn’t like having my life uprooted with 3 days notice. So I went home and applied all night long for jobs. I got one that is great. The other company did their best to keep me. They offered to match money and work on the hours. I knew the money wouldn’t be a problem but I knew the hours would never work. So I changed jobs yet again.

Now I am at a place that is great! I love what I do and I love the people I work with. They’re nice and funny. The guys treat me like one of the guys and yet they flirt from time to time. We actually laugh at work. It is great!

My family swore they would be up to see me since I was so close. They haven’t been. I am an afterthought if I am even a thought. Well, to the family I had been the closest to growing up. It is funny that the family I wasn’t close to that they’re here more for me now than ever. It’s painful and sweet that they are. I love them.

I find myself missing my parents more and more. I have only been to the cemetery once. I hate that place. I went because it finally felt like it was time. I miss them more and more because I drive by familiar places that remind me of them. It’s a good thing to remember them. But it also hurts like hell.

I have been trying to figure out this living and not working 7 days a week. I am trying to figure out how to be at home when I am at home. It’s new and the same all at the same time. It is bittersweet. I sometimes get lonely. I feel like I am out of place at times. I also feel like I should have never have left at times.

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