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Stupid heart

I have been staying busy with church. Funny thing is that the pastor suggested I take a class that my ex is in. I have been in it a few weeks.

The week before I started the class, I saw my ex at church. I had just gotten a text that my aunt was dying and I was reading it and my facial expression must have been one of horror. I had tears in my eyes. He came up to me and asked what was wrong and I told him and he hugged me so tight and just held me. I told him I thought he hated me and he said he never hated me. I told him I  thought so. We pulled apart and he looked down at me and I looked up. There was a look of love in his eyes for just a moment and then in a blink it was gone. He must have felt it there and knew he had to shut it down. I know it wasn’t my imagination. It made me so angry. I wanted to just slap him and ask him how he could turn it on and off so easily. I didn’t. We talked for a few more minutes and I was crying because of the concern for my aunt. It was scary. There was a possibility of her surviving but it seemed so small of a chance. He hugged me again and off we went in separate directions. It hurt on so many levels.

On the way home I was angry and hurt and I called him and I just flat-out asked if he had ever loved me. His answer surprised me. It wasn’t clear-cut and that made me angry. He said yes and no. That is not an answer! He said he knew I didn’t want to hear that but that was all he could say. I told him no that wasn’t what I wanted to hear and that I would rather have heard no. He seemed shocked by that. I also told him that I had loved him and there was no doubt on my part but it didn’t really matter. I thanked him for his honesty. I then dropped the bomb on him that I would be in his class at church the next week and to not be surprised. I told him I had spoken with the pastor and that he felt I should come. I told him I had met with the pastor to determine what my path should be as far as the church went and he seemed stunned. I told him I would be there and that it wasn’t for him and that it was completely for me and to not be surprised when I showed up. He said ok. He said the class was helping him a lot and I just said flatly, “Good.” I thanked him for his time and honesty and hung up.

Over that weekend I went home to Alabama and it was a well-needed trip. My aunt survived. She isn’t doing well and I will probably never see her alive again. But I felt so loved. It made me want to move home.

I came back refreshed and revived and I went to the class. I got there early in order to get a seat close to the door. I wanted to be prepared in case I needed to run. He is usually an early bird but he got there right before the class started. I was texting to a friend. He said hi and I barely said hello and it was not in a nice tone. He stood for a moment before walking away. I didn’t have to speak anymore that night. The lesson was on relationships and to treat others kindly and  to be more empathetic and caring rather than so me-centric. And to try to look at the other person’s POV rather than being so reactive. They also spoke of not giving up so quickly.I literally saw him squirm 3 times. We broke up into men/women’s groups. The women’s group got done early and I didn’t have to see him. I just left.

This past week I went back. I saw a mutual friend in the hall and chatted. Then I went in and sat with one of the girls and was laughing and chatting. He walked in and said softly, “Hey, Anonymous.” I looked over and said while laughing, “Hey! How are ya” and turned back to my friend. He seemed stunned then too. So then everyone came in and settled down and we watched a video which was about amends and how to make amends. It wasn’t the most comfortable video. We broke up into men/women’s groups. Our group talked and really discussed a lot of things. The women knew my story and that he was back there. So I led us in prayer and finished up. Here he comes back up. He touched my elbow and said quietly, “Hey, Anonymous…I’ll see you later, ok?” I was stunned and didn’t know how to react so I just said, “Sure, have a good night!” I mean I am at church and can’t yell or cuss. I turned back to the women and they all look stunned. Two of the women said for sure that he seemed very caring the way he said it. I was just like I don’t know what to think. As the women and I walked down to leave, there he was at the front door. Great…so we went on to the front because it was time to go. I hear, “Anonymous.” And then I hear, “There she is! Anonymous! Come here” I’m thinking NOOOOOOO. But I go over to where ex and our mutual friend is and say, “Here I am! Tada! What’s up?” The friend says, “We were just talking about you.” I said, “Yeah, so I heard. What’s that about?” The friend says, “Only good things! Promise!” I said, “Yeah, yeah! I’ve heard that before.” He said, “Noooo…I was telling him I saw you upstairs.” I wasn’t buying it but I said, “You sure did! And we had a good talk. Look, y’all, the girls are getting ready to leave and I need to say goodbye to them. I hope y’all have a good night! I’ll see ya later! Bye!!” I walked away to the girls but I have been left with questions and uncertainty for days.

That night I could tell there was a change in his demeanor. He was softer. I don’t know what was the matter with him. Conviction? The men from his group telling him honestly about what they thought? No clue. The week before I had been dismissive and the sermon was hard because it was on how you treat people well in relationships and you don’t just treat them like crap. This week I had been polite and the sermon was about amends. Maybe he was feeling something? I don’t know.

What I know now is that I have prayed until I am frustrated. I have heard God finally and His answer was to be still and know that He is God. Ok…I know He is God. But that doesn’t ease my anxiety. That doesn’t let me know what the ex is up to. It is scary and frustrating.

My friend said she saw the whole thing and that he looked sincere. I said he seemed sincere, too, but I don’t trust it or him right now. He broke me. It took years to put me back together. And in just a little over 3 months time, he broke me. She said but you still love him? I said yes. She asked, “What if he wanted to try again?” I said it’s not that easy. I may love him but I love me more. I am not willing to just say it is ok. It’s not. I am broken and hurt and angry. I may not be acting that way at church, but it’s CHURCH. I’m being polite. She asked again, “What if he wanted back together?” I was honest. I said, “I love him and I would try on a condition that I don’t think he would do because he said no before. We would have to do counseling together. That is the only way.” She said that she thought after everything that it sounded fair. I told her I don’t think we have to worry about that.

This all happened on Wednesday. It is late Saturday night/early Sunday morning and I haven’t heard from him. Several of my friends said they thought he would contact me this week. I really didn’t think so. So far I am right. I am trying to be still and know God is God. And I am anxious about Wednesday. The only for sure thing about Wednesday is that I will look good.

If anybody has any thoughts, throw them out there. And throw a prayer up. My anxiety is wow!

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Thanksgiving Time

I didn’t have a chance to write anything yesterday but I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. I did. I spent it with my adopted family. Since I don’t have my own family, I have a family that calls me theirs and I adore them. It’s a very crazy and dysfunctional family and I adore them.

There was lots of music, dancing and singing while we cooked. There was a lot of laughter. There was a lot of texting. NerdyGuy missed me and I missed him. He was with his family 2 hours away. I’m so glad he got to see them. I actually got to talk to his dad. That was interesting because neither of us were prepared. Good thing I can talk to anyone! 🙂 I also got to meet my adopted niece’s boyfriend who is a doll. I think I might have a new nephew in the future.

Last night NerdyGuy told me he was coming home a day early. I was surprised. Happy in a way, but surprised. I don’t want him to give up time with his family for me. I’m here and will still be here. His grandmother and parents are older…they don’t get to see him often. I don’t mind sharing. He was theirs way before he was mine. They deserve time with him.

He’s going to be here any minute. I’m excited. I think I’m falling in love with him. It’s scary. This might be the one. It’s scary as hell. But I’m so happy. I’m so thankful he is in my life.

 

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Friendships and Breakups

You really find out who your friends are in times of troubles. Especially a breakup. The majority of my “friends” are assholes. Many of them don’t realize I am in the process of divorcing them. Their behavior was reprehensible.

I didn’t want to be alone this weekend. I wanted to get out and try to do something so that I didn’t sit home and cry all weekend. I put out a post asking if ANYONE would maybe meet me to go watch football or for dinner Saturday. i have almost 300 friends on Facebook. Not ONE responded. Not ONE!

There were some “What’s wrong?” questions. And here is a smattering of replies I received:

“Sometimes it is just better to be alone.”

“Some people will always be alone and maybe you are just going to have to realize that you’re one of those poeple.”

“You put yourself in a stupid situation and now you say you’re hurt? Really? I’m sorry but you got what you deserved.”

“You can’t develop feelings for someone you met online, even if you did talk on the phone and communicate other ways.”

“You’re overreacting.”

“Well, hopefully you learned something.”

“At least you hadn’t slept with him yet.”

“You give your heart away too easily.” (I have loved a total of 3 men in my entire life)

Yes, these are just some of the things I was told. I am angry with some of the people in my life for not understanding that my heart is broken. I loved that man.

So part of the problem things hurt so much is that I didn’t just lose a man I loved…I also lost family/friends I loved, too. I can’t abide by people who would treat me so callously. If you have no car for what I am going through, you have no place in my life.

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Self Analyzation

There has been a lot going on lately with others around me and it has made me really think. Big discovery! I’m a bitch. I don’t want to be. But I am. Actually, I am an envious bitch.

It makes me sad to know this about myself. I have had several conversations with myself about it telling myself that I am really happy for others. I am really not all that bad. Bottom line is, yeah, I am that bad. But the truth is that I really don’t want to be.

What’s going on? Well, I have been single for quite some time. I have come to terms with it. I have pushed the married men away who keep hitting on me and am just trying to be happy on my own. Accept what is and live my life. Suddenly I am surrounded by family and friends who are getting pregnant or married or both. I feel surrounded by people who I should be happy for and yet a piece of me is not the least bit happy for them. Now the majority of me is happy for them but i will say about 8% of me doesn’t give 2 shits about it and actually wants to tell them to shut the hell up. Some of them are sensitive to others. But some of them prattle on and on about it to the point where I just want to vomit at their feet and tell them that is what I think about it. And yes, I am a 40 something year old woman and shouldn’t behave like a 12-year-old, but sometimes the inner child wants to break free.

So now the whole world knows that Anonymous is an uncaring, self-centered bitch whose heart hurts every time she hears about engagement rings, wedding plans and baby reveal parties. I’m at a point where I may have to take a Facebook break just to avoid seeing all of that mess for a while. The other day I literally broke down in tears after seeing 5 different posts. So that is what I am thinking and feeling.

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