Tag Archives: relationships

Stupid heart

I have been staying busy with church. Funny thing is that the pastor suggested I take a class that my ex is in. I have been in it a few weeks.

The week before I started the class, I saw my ex at church. I had just gotten a text that my aunt was dying and I was reading it and my facial expression must have been one of horror. I had tears in my eyes. He came up to me and asked what was wrong and I told him and he hugged me so tight and just held me. I told him I thought he hated me and he said he never hated me. I told him I  thought so. We pulled apart and he looked down at me and I looked up. There was a look of love in his eyes for just a moment and then in a blink it was gone. He must have felt it there and knew he had to shut it down. I know it wasn’t my imagination. It made me so angry. I wanted to just slap him and ask him how he could turn it on and off so easily. I didn’t. We talked for a few more minutes and I was crying because of the concern for my aunt. It was scary. There was a possibility of her surviving but it seemed so small of a chance. He hugged me again and off we went in separate directions. It hurt on so many levels.

On the way home I was angry and hurt and I called him and I just flat-out asked if he had ever loved me. His answer surprised me. It wasn’t clear-cut and that made me angry. He said yes and no. That is not an answer! He said he knew I didn’t want to hear that but that was all he could say. I told him no that wasn’t what I wanted to hear and that I would rather have heard no. He seemed shocked by that. I also told him that I had loved him and there was no doubt on my part but it didn’t really matter. I thanked him for his honesty. I then dropped the bomb on him that I would be in his class at church the next week and to not be surprised. I told him I had spoken with the pastor and that he felt I should come. I told him I had met with the pastor to determine what my path should be as far as the church went and he seemed stunned. I told him I would be there and that it wasn’t for him and that it was completely for me and to not be surprised when I showed up. He said ok. He said the class was helping him a lot and I just said flatly, “Good.” I thanked him for his time and honesty and hung up.

Over that weekend I went home to Alabama and it was a well-needed trip. My aunt survived. She isn’t doing well and I will probably never see her alive again. But I felt so loved. It made me want to move home.

I came back refreshed and revived and I went to the class. I got there early in order to get a seat close to the door. I wanted to be prepared in case I needed to run. He is usually an early bird but he got there right before the class started. I was texting to a friend. He said hi and I barely said hello and it was not in a nice tone. He stood for a moment before walking away. I didn’t have to speak anymore that night. The lesson was on relationships and to treat others kindly and  to be more empathetic and caring rather than so me-centric. And to try to look at the other person’s POV rather than being so reactive. They also spoke of not giving up so quickly.I literally saw him squirm 3 times. We broke up into men/women’s groups. The women’s group got done early and I didn’t have to see him. I just left.

This past week I went back. I saw a mutual friend in the hall and chatted. Then I went in and sat with one of the girls and was laughing and chatting. He walked in and said softly, “Hey, Anonymous.” I looked over and said while laughing, “Hey! How are ya” and turned back to my friend. He seemed stunned then too. So then everyone came in and settled down and we watched a video which was about amends and how to make amends. It wasn’t the most comfortable video. We broke up into men/women’s groups. Our group talked and really discussed a lot of things. The women knew my story and that he was back there. So I led us in prayer and finished up. Here he comes back up. He touched my elbow and said quietly, “Hey, Anonymous…I’ll see you later, ok?” I was stunned and didn’t know how to react so I just said, “Sure, have a good night!” I mean I am at church and can’t yell or cuss. I turned back to the women and they all look stunned. Two of the women said for sure that he seemed very caring the way he said it. I was just like I don’t know what to think. As the women and I walked down to leave, there he was at the front door. Great…so we went on to the front because it was time to go. I hear, “Anonymous.” And then I hear, “There she is! Anonymous! Come here” I’m thinking NOOOOOOO. But I go over to where ex and our mutual friend is and say, “Here I am! Tada! What’s up?” The friend says, “We were just talking about you.” I said, “Yeah, so I heard. What’s that about?” The friend says, “Only good things! Promise!” I said, “Yeah, yeah! I’ve heard that before.” He said, “Noooo…I was telling him I saw you upstairs.” I wasn’t buying it but I said, “You sure did! And we had a good talk. Look, y’all, the girls are getting ready to leave and I need to say goodbye to them. I hope y’all have a good night! I’ll see ya later! Bye!!” I walked away to the girls but I have been left with questions and uncertainty for days.

That night I could tell there was a change in his demeanor. He was softer. I don’t know what was the matter with him. Conviction? The men from his group telling him honestly about what they thought? No clue. The week before I had been dismissive and the sermon was hard because it was on how you treat people well in relationships and you don’t just treat them like crap. This week I had been polite and the sermon was about amends. Maybe he was feeling something? I don’t know.

What I know now is that I have prayed until I am frustrated. I have heard God finally and His answer was to be still and know that He is God. Ok…I know He is God. But that doesn’t ease my anxiety. That doesn’t let me know what the ex is up to. It is scary and frustrating.

My friend said she saw the whole thing and that he looked sincere. I said he seemed sincere, too, but I don’t trust it or him right now. He broke me. It took years to put me back together. And in just a little over 3 months time, he broke me. She said but you still love him? I said yes. She asked, “What if he wanted to try again?” I said it’s not that easy. I may love him but I love me more. I am not willing to just say it is ok. It’s not. I am broken and hurt and angry. I may not be acting that way at church, but it’s CHURCH. I’m being polite. She asked again, “What if he wanted back together?” I was honest. I said, “I love him and I would try on a condition that I don’t think he would do because he said no before. We would have to do counseling together. That is the only way.” She said that she thought after everything that it sounded fair. I told her I don’t think we have to worry about that.

This all happened on Wednesday. It is late Saturday night/early Sunday morning and I haven’t heard from him. Several of my friends said they thought he would contact me this week. I really didn’t think so. So far I am right. I am trying to be still and know God is God. And I am anxious about Wednesday. The only for sure thing about Wednesday is that I will look good.

If anybody has any thoughts, throw them out there. And throw a prayer up. My anxiety is wow!

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Shutting My Brain Down

I hate my brain at times. It won’t shut down. It replays painful things and analyzes them. Why did this happen? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him? Am I going to always hurt?

I want to go to bed right now but my brain is spinning. It won’t stop. I hurt but yet I am very angry. I want to tell him off but that is pointless. He would take it as “she still wants me” and what it really is is the fact that I think he is a pompous asshole who needs to be told that treating people that way is shitty.

I didn’t turn my love off. I can’t do that. But I realized that his treatment of me was horrific. My heart is still tender. I am sure it will be for a bit. I loved him honestly and without stipulations. He put limitations and stipulations on his feelings for me and placed blame on me for everything. That’s not fair or right.

I’m hurt and angry. At him, myself, God, the world…

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Alcohol doesn’t lie

I am a God-fearing Christian woman. Make no mistake. But I am hurting tonight. On Valentine’s Day and the day after my heart was hurt and yet hurt yet again. He said he loved me but he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m hurting tonight and the only way I knew to ease that pain somehow was to drink. I have drunk so much that I can’t feel my tongue and the room spins when I close my eyes.

I’m going to be truthful, though. I thought he was the one. I thought we could overcome and surpass anything. I loved him. How stupid I am to think that in my mid 40s? Pretty damn stupid.

So tonight I got drunk. Really drunk. I’m examining my life and it really sucks. I am not suicidal but I am so hurt and angry right now that i don’t know what to do or say.

I believed. I really did. Now I don’t know what I think. I believe it for others but not for myself. It’s too late.

Humans want to have love. It is something we crave. I have wanted it since I was a child..to feel truly loved. And I haven’t felt loved, never completely. For a brief moment I did. And then it was over. On Valentine’s Day and the day after. How romantic.

So now the pain has caught up and I’m drunk and hurt. Is it good to do this? No. But I don’t have anyone to turn to. I’m alone. I just want to cry to someone. I can’t. So I type and cry to you. I believed. I did.

So while every other aspect of life is so -so, this one is debilitating. I just want to hibernate and sleep or cry. I hurt.

 

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Thanksgiving Time

I didn’t have a chance to write anything yesterday but I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. I did. I spent it with my adopted family. Since I don’t have my own family, I have a family that calls me theirs and I adore them. It’s a very crazy and dysfunctional family and I adore them.

There was lots of music, dancing and singing while we cooked. There was a lot of laughter. There was a lot of texting. NerdyGuy missed me and I missed him. He was with his family 2 hours away. I’m so glad he got to see them. I actually got to talk to his dad. That was interesting because neither of us were prepared. Good thing I can talk to anyone! 🙂 I also got to meet my adopted niece’s boyfriend who is a doll. I think I might have a new nephew in the future.

Last night NerdyGuy told me he was coming home a day early. I was surprised. Happy in a way, but surprised. I don’t want him to give up time with his family for me. I’m here and will still be here. His grandmother and parents are older…they don’t get to see him often. I don’t mind sharing. He was theirs way before he was mine. They deserve time with him.

He’s going to be here any minute. I’m excited. I think I’m falling in love with him. It’s scary. This might be the one. It’s scary as hell. But I’m so happy. I’m so thankful he is in my life.

 

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Guys I Have A Question

So NerdyGuy and I have been doing great. Dates are good. I even kissed that man so good he forgot to breathe for half a second. I was proud of myself.

So NerdyGuy typically sends me a morning text on his break from work, a quick hi at lunch and a hello as he is leaving work. (he gets off 2 hours earlier than me.) Then we talk on phone and/or text at night. Saturday we had dinner at my place and it was relaxing. We talked about his new game coming out on Tuesday and I told him I guessed it would be Bye Bye Anonymous for a while. He said no…of course he would make time for me. All I had to do was name the time and place and he would be there. I was impressed with that. So I know how boys are with their toys. I wasn’t going to come between him and his toy. So we were talking Sunday and I said, “So you said I could name time and place, right?” and he was like, “Yeah?” So I said, “Monday. I want you to bring me dinner Monday to the house.” I knew Monday was going to be rough and I was going to be tired. A little TLC would be nice. Also, I would have some lovey dovey time and then he would have Tuesday and Wednesday free to play. He has a bible study group on Thursday. Friday he will need to go to bed earlier because he is working early on Saturday. I explained all of this to him and he laughed and said, “You thought this through, huh?” I smiled and said, “Of course. It’s a win all the way around.” He saw my logic.

So we’ve been dating almost a month. Not that long I know. But he has brought up more than once us going to visit his parents in another city. He has said he likes that things with us seem to be rolling right along. What the hell does that mean?

And finally….do I have a boyfriend or what? I mean the man checks in with me constantly but it isn’t in a clingy way. It’s more of an “I’m thinking of you” text. Nothing too lengthy. That is for evening when we can talk.

Men…when do I know?

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About Face

So Alabama is an ass. He is also childish. He tried to start some crap on a mutual friend’s Facebook by posting something about how when he sees something he doesn’t like in someone he will ignore them or something to that effect. It was on a thread that was inappropriate. He knew I would see it and he was trying to provoke me. He knows I have a temper. I was able to control it, though. I let his post sit there. He looked like a jackass. He got called out by the original poster of the first comment. He started arguing with them. He never contacted me personally. Why? He wasn’t man enough to actually speak with me. I’m not sure if the mutual friend was telling him anything I said to her but I let her know that he was more than welcome to call, text or message me. I wasn’t afraid to speak with him but that I wasn’t stooping to a public fight.

I started to move on and decided to check an online dating site. There was this one guy (NerdyGuy) that was too cute and persistent. I liked it. I liked him. So after he asked me out 3 times and I was unable to go he was not liking that. And I do see why. He thought I didn’t want to. I did, but he wanted to go last minute on a first date. WHAT?!?!?!?!? No! I finally snapped at him and explained that I was busy for the first time in months and I needed to plan. I had cleared my calendar for him for the next week if he wanted to go out. He started to realize that I wasn’t rejecting him but that I had things going on. So I asked him what day. He told me to pick it. I picked Tuesday. He told me to pick a restaurant. I picked one that had trivia night on Tuesdays. I asked if he was ok with all of that. He was.

It was the BEST first date of my life. I laughed for 2.5 hours. He held my hand a little. We felt like kids. He walked me to my car. Hugged me good night. Texted me when he got home. Texted me the next morning to tell me he had a good time. We texted throughout the week. I asked him what his weekend looked like and he said no plans. I asked would he like plans and he said yes. I asked would he like plans with me and he said of course. We have texted and talked all week. So tonight is our second date. I hope it is as easy as Tuesday. He makes me smile and laugh and feel like I’m a teenager again.

Yes, I cared about Alabama but he didn’t seem to have the depth that NerdyGuy does. NerdyGuy is who is. He goes to church weekly and is attentive in the ways I need and want. He makes me laugh.

We’ll see. I’m seeing how it goes.I don’t want to get hurt again.

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I’m Done

So Alabama never contacted me. That hurt. And I am still recovering. So then an ex and I got  in touch and we decided to hang out. I asked about how things were, what was up, was he involved, etc. I needed a little rebound TLC. Hugs, kisses, laughter and old stories. So then the next day I found out ummmm…he IS in a relationship. I called him out on it. He said it was essentially an open relationship and didn’t understand why I was mad and he didn’t realize I was looking for a boyfriend. I lit into him and told him I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, but I was looking for the truth. And we had been friends for 9 years and he lied to me. I’d forgiven him years ago for something stupid but this was the last straw. I told him to not twist things  and act like it was me having an issues. It was me not liking being lied to or brought into a situation I didn’t want to be in. I still don’t think he gets it.

So this has made me just give up. I am done. My focus right now is trying to just survive this year and not be bitter. I had hoped this was my year. It is as far as a new job and weight loss. But venturing back out in the sea of relationships….no. No thank you. I’m done.

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