Have you ever been fearful of doing something and just didn’t do something you really wanted to do? I ask this because I have things that I want to do that really scare me. It’s not like jumping off a cliff. No, I don’t have the desire to do that and I’m not going to. Fear or no fear. Nope. Not happening!
I want to write. Really write. Yes, I am writing here. This is anonymous, though. I doubt anyone is really reading and it’s ramblings. It’s a variety of thoughts. I want to write something that is more thoughtful. I am scared I can’t stay on topic and not ramble. I am kind of a rambler and I can go down a rabbit hole at times. But I can also weave a story on a dime. Can I keep the story going and complete it? Would it even be a little interesting?
I have wanted to write since I can remember. It is as if I am supposed to write something longer than a blog post and yet I can’t bring myself to actually do it. I want to know how people do it. I want to know if it is easy. Is it something that they just do? Is it something they make themselves do? How do they get started?
Then once knowing the how-to’s we go to the next thing of would my writing be good enough? How would I know? Would anyone want to read it? Why would they?
I wish that I had been encouraged more in this. I know my parents loved me. I just don’t think they understood my passion and fear. I think that they had so many of their own dreams crushed that they didn’t know how to foster mine. They didn’t crush mine. They just didn’t know how to encourage me properly in the way that I needed. Because that, I didn’t have the confidence needed to truly pursue something I wanted. I wonder if others had the same experience.
I can be quite gregarious at times. I prefer that when I am happy and maybe have a solo cup in my hand. Lately I have had to get loud and sassy without my solo cup. And it has been with men who wouldn’t listen when I spoke in my inside voice.
When I would talk to these men and express a need, question or concern, I was completely ignored. When my voice got a little louder, a little more attention was paid to my words. But when I finally used my angry, outside voice, shit got real. So I would really like to know why it takes this level of bat shit crazy escalation to finally mean “I really mean business”?
I meant business the first time I said it. I wouldn’t have said it otherwise. And I really don’t appreciate having to get worked up in order for someone to acknowledge what I said was relevant.
I have talked to other women and they have the same problem. So men, if you are reading this, what the hell gives? Do you have a hearing disorder that only registers bat shit crazy? Do you get a kick out of it? What gives? It doesn’t endear you to us. In fact, it makes us resent you. And that builds up over time. Maybe that’s what you want. I’m not sure. But I would like to know why y’all push us. Any insight?
So I took a little break. I have very limited time because I have been working my ass off as of late. 7 days a week to be exact.
But even though I have been working like crazy, I also have a lot of thoughts. Many of these thoughts are things I probably shouldn’t just blurt out in polite society. In anonymous society I don’t have to be so polite. I can just say what is on my mind. And I just need to do that sometimes. And this is a whole lot cheaper than therapy. So I am BACK!
I probably won’t write daily. Who has time for that? But my hiatus is over. I have too much on my mind. I’ve missed this.
Back to more pressing matters. What the hell is going on with the candidates for President in the United States? The way I see it is that we are just screwed. I don’t see one candidate that really is stellar. I see a whole bunch of stooges, though!
When Donald Trump came on the scene I honestly thought it was a joke. Seriously. I thought it was a joke to promote some dumb business of his. The joke hasn’t stopped and he actually has people on his bandwagon. And it scares the hell out of me. This man is an ego-maniac, narcissistic, pompous, uncouth loudmouth who feels he is qualified to lead our country? The man who now claims to be such a good Christian but has had 3 wives, each of whom he has cheated on (well maybe not Melania yet). He has been degrading towards women and talked openly about his disdain toward them. He also talks negatively about immigrants. Now I believe we should have a handle on who is entering out country and how, but his degrading comments are positively repulsive. They’re also laughable since he married 2 women who were not Americans! Hypocrite much, Trump? Also, what about his mockery of people with disabilities? If a man of his age and stature openly makes fun of someone with a disability, how can we trust him in important situations where he is representing our country and should be showing some decorum? We can’t. It’s that simple. Has the man had luck in business? Absolutely. But this country isn’t just a business. It is so many more things than that. It needs a leader who can show diplomacy, decorum, humility and restraint. Donald Trump cannot do that.
The other Republican candidates are pretty iffy, too. They want to stand on their Christian beliefs as their main qualifications to be President. I’m a Christian but I’m not qualified to lead this country. Every now and then I have a good idea but it’s not enough. I don’t like Ted Cruz’s yelling mentality. He must think he is a Southern Baptist preacher or something. You don’t have to yell to get your point across. Have a good point and say it. Marco Rubio has some good points but I am not sure if he is ripe enough to get there.
Then we move on the the Democrats. Hillary or Bernie. Wow. I used to love Hillary…back when she was First Lady. Now not so much. After the email thing and Benghazi…no. And Bernie? Bernie, honey, you can’t make everything free and expect no one to have to pay for it. It has to be paid for and guess where that money is coming from? My pockets! I don’t like that!!!!!
All in all, I think Americans are going to be screwed. We don’t have a good choice. I can honestly say that I will vote for anyone OPPOSITE of Trump. I have to. I cannot, with good conscience, vote for that man.
I am a God-fearing Christian woman. Make no mistake. But I am hurting tonight. On Valentine’s Day and the day after my heart was hurt and yet hurt yet again. He said he loved me but he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m hurting tonight and the only way I knew to ease that pain somehow was to drink. I have drunk so much that I can’t feel my tongue and the room spins when I close my eyes.
I’m going to be truthful, though. I thought he was the one. I thought we could overcome and surpass anything. I loved him. How stupid I am to think that in my mid 40s? Pretty damn stupid.
So tonight I got drunk. Really drunk. I’m examining my life and it really sucks. I am not suicidal but I am so hurt and angry right now that i don’t know what to do or say.
I believed. I really did. Now I don’t know what I think. I believe it for others but not for myself. It’s too late.
Humans want to have love. It is something we crave. I have wanted it since I was a child..to feel truly loved. And I haven’t felt loved, never completely. For a brief moment I did. And then it was over. On Valentine’s Day and the day after. How romantic.
So now the pain has caught up and I’m drunk and hurt. Is it good to do this? No. But I don’t have anyone to turn to. I’m alone. I just want to cry to someone. I can’t. So I type and cry to you. I believed. I did.
So while every other aspect of life is so -so, this one is debilitating. I just want to hibernate and sleep or cry. I hurt.
NerdyGuy is the one!!! I love him so much. It amazes me how this man has snagged my heart. I will be Mrs. NerdyGuy eventually. Yes, he asked. And I did say yes. 🙂 We haven’t set a date or anything. We have kept it kinda quiet because his family hasn’t met me yet.
I got friend requests from his daughter and mother on Facebook. That is a good thing I think. His daughter and I messaged back and forth yesterday and laughed about how he can quote certain movies and we tune him out. It was funny to share that with her. I think his mom is still on the fence about me but is trying. I posted a funny picture on her wall today and she liked it. I would love to have a mother-in-law that liked me. I had one years ago that hated me. This would be a nice change of pace.
So that is the news of the moment. I have no clue when we’re getting married, but we are. I told him I don’t want an actual engagement ring. I want an infinity wedding band. He was surprised because most women want the honking rock. I told him I have had a rock before and I don’t need it. I just want a pretty band and that is all. I don’t need fancy stuff. I showed him one that is similar to what I want and told him that was the idea to draw from and explained my reasoning on it. He liked it and liked that it wasn’t a super-expensive ring.
I didn’t have a chance to write anything yesterday but I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. I did. I spent it with my adopted family. Since I don’t have my own family, I have a family that calls me theirs and I adore them. It’s a very crazy and dysfunctional family and I adore them.
There was lots of music, dancing and singing while we cooked. There was a lot of laughter. There was a lot of texting. NerdyGuy missed me and I missed him. He was with his family 2 hours away. I’m so glad he got to see them. I actually got to talk to his dad. That was interesting because neither of us were prepared. Good thing I can talk to anyone! 🙂 I also got to meet my adopted niece’s boyfriend who is a doll. I think I might have a new nephew in the future.
Last night NerdyGuy told me he was coming home a day early. I was surprised. Happy in a way, but surprised. I don’t want him to give up time with his family for me. I’m here and will still be here. His grandmother and parents are older…they don’t get to see him often. I don’t mind sharing. He was theirs way before he was mine. They deserve time with him.
He’s going to be here any minute. I’m excited. I think I’m falling in love with him. It’s scary. This might be the one. It’s scary as hell. But I’m so happy. I’m so thankful he is in my life.