Back to more pressing matters. What the hell is going on with the candidates for President in the United States? The way I see it is that we are just screwed. I don’t see one candidate that really is stellar. I see a whole bunch of stooges, though!
When Donald Trump came on the scene I honestly thought it was a joke. Seriously. I thought it was a joke to promote some dumb business of his. The joke hasn’t stopped and he actually has people on his bandwagon. And it scares the hell out of me. This man is an ego-maniac, narcissistic, pompous, uncouth loudmouth who feels he is qualified to lead our country? The man who now claims to be such a good Christian but has had 3 wives, each of whom he has cheated on (well maybe not Melania yet). He has been degrading towards women and talked openly about his disdain toward them. He also talks negatively about immigrants. Now I believe we should have a handle on who is entering out country and how, but his degrading comments are positively repulsive. They’re also laughable since he married 2 women who were not Americans! Hypocrite much, Trump? Also, what about his mockery of people with disabilities? If a man of his age and stature openly makes fun of someone with a disability, how can we trust him in important situations where he is representing our country and should be showing some decorum? We can’t. It’s that simple. Has the man had luck in business? Absolutely. But this country isn’t just a business. It is so many more things than that. It needs a leader who can show diplomacy, decorum, humility and restraint. Donald Trump cannot do that.
The other Republican candidates are pretty iffy, too. They want to stand on their Christian beliefs as their main qualifications to be President. I’m a Christian but I’m not qualified to lead this country. Every now and then I have a good idea but it’s not enough. I don’t like Ted Cruz’s yelling mentality. He must think he is a Southern Baptist preacher or something. You don’t have to yell to get your point across. Have a good point and say it. Marco Rubio has some good points but I am not sure if he is ripe enough to get there.
Then we move on the the Democrats. Hillary or Bernie. Wow. I used to love Hillary…back when she was First Lady. Now not so much. After the email thing and Benghazi…no. And Bernie? Bernie, honey, you can’t make everything free and expect no one to have to pay for it. It has to be paid for and guess where that money is coming from? My pockets! I don’t like that!!!!!
All in all, I think Americans are going to be screwed. We don’t have a good choice. I can honestly say that I will vote for anyone OPPOSITE of Trump. I have to. I cannot, with good conscience, vote for that man.
I am a God-fearing Christian woman. Make no mistake. But I am hurting tonight. On Valentine’s Day and the day after my heart was hurt and yet hurt yet again. He said he loved me but he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m hurting tonight and the only way I knew to ease that pain somehow was to drink. I have drunk so much that I can’t feel my tongue and the room spins when I close my eyes.
I’m going to be truthful, though. I thought he was the one. I thought we could overcome and surpass anything. I loved him. How stupid I am to think that in my mid 40s? Pretty damn stupid.
So tonight I got drunk. Really drunk. I’m examining my life and it really sucks. I am not suicidal but I am so hurt and angry right now that i don’t know what to do or say.
I believed. I really did. Now I don’t know what I think. I believe it for others but not for myself. It’s too late.
Humans want to have love. It is something we crave. I have wanted it since I was a child..to feel truly loved. And I haven’t felt loved, never completely. For a brief moment I did. And then it was over. On Valentine’s Day and the day after. How romantic.
So now the pain has caught up and I’m drunk and hurt. Is it good to do this? No. But I don’t have anyone to turn to. I’m alone. I just want to cry to someone. I can’t. So I type and cry to you. I believed. I did.
So while every other aspect of life is so -so, this one is debilitating. I just want to hibernate and sleep or cry. I hurt.
NerdyGuy is the one!!! I love him so much. It amazes me how this man has snagged my heart. I will be Mrs. NerdyGuy eventually. Yes, he asked. And I did say yes. 🙂 We haven’t set a date or anything. We have kept it kinda quiet because his family hasn’t met me yet.
I got friend requests from his daughter and mother on Facebook. That is a good thing I think. His daughter and I messaged back and forth yesterday and laughed about how he can quote certain movies and we tune him out. It was funny to share that with her. I think his mom is still on the fence about me but is trying. I posted a funny picture on her wall today and she liked it. I would love to have a mother-in-law that liked me. I had one years ago that hated me. This would be a nice change of pace.
So that is the news of the moment. I have no clue when we’re getting married, but we are. I told him I don’t want an actual engagement ring. I want an infinity wedding band. He was surprised because most women want the honking rock. I told him I have had a rock before and I don’t need it. I just want a pretty band and that is all. I don’t need fancy stuff. I showed him one that is similar to what I want and told him that was the idea to draw from and explained my reasoning on it. He liked it and liked that it wasn’t a super-expensive ring.
I didn’t have a chance to write anything yesterday but I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. I did. I spent it with my adopted family. Since I don’t have my own family, I have a family that calls me theirs and I adore them. It’s a very crazy and dysfunctional family and I adore them.
There was lots of music, dancing and singing while we cooked. There was a lot of laughter. There was a lot of texting. NerdyGuy missed me and I missed him. He was with his family 2 hours away. I’m so glad he got to see them. I actually got to talk to his dad. That was interesting because neither of us were prepared. Good thing I can talk to anyone! 🙂 I also got to meet my adopted niece’s boyfriend who is a doll. I think I might have a new nephew in the future.
Last night NerdyGuy told me he was coming home a day early. I was surprised. Happy in a way, but surprised. I don’t want him to give up time with his family for me. I’m here and will still be here. His grandmother and parents are older…they don’t get to see him often. I don’t mind sharing. He was theirs way before he was mine. They deserve time with him.
He’s going to be here any minute. I’m excited. I think I’m falling in love with him. It’s scary. This might be the one. It’s scary as hell. But I’m so happy. I’m so thankful he is in my life.
You really find out who your friends are in times of troubles. Especially a breakup. The majority of my “friends” are assholes. Many of them don’t realize I am in the process of divorcing them. Their behavior was reprehensible.
I didn’t want to be alone this weekend. I wanted to get out and try to do something so that I didn’t sit home and cry all weekend. I put out a post asking if ANYONE would maybe meet me to go watch football or for dinner Saturday. i have almost 300 friends on Facebook. Not ONE responded. Not ONE!
There were some “What’s wrong?” questions. And here is a smattering of replies I received:
“Sometimes it is just better to be alone.”
“Some people will always be alone and maybe you are just going to have to realize that you’re one of those poeple.”
“You put yourself in a stupid situation and now you say you’re hurt? Really? I’m sorry but you got what you deserved.”
“You can’t develop feelings for someone you met online, even if you did talk on the phone and communicate other ways.”
“Well, hopefully you learned something.”
“At least you hadn’t slept with him yet.”
“You give your heart away too easily.” (I have loved a total of 3 men in my entire life)
Yes, these are just some of the things I was told. I am angry with some of the people in my life for not understanding that my heart is broken. I loved that man.
So part of the problem things hurt so much is that I didn’t just lose a man I loved…I also lost family/friends I loved, too. I can’t abide by people who would treat me so callously. If you have no car for what I am going through, you have no place in my life.
I have been making life changes since the beginning of the year. I decided this was going to be my year. It feels weird. Last year I was so unhappy. I was at a point where nothing sounded good and living just hurt. I am now at a point where I am learning that life can be good and it is OK to laugh and smile. I like being spoken to as an adult who matters. I like having a man think that I am smart, funny, sexy and lots of other things. I like that my body is changing and that I turn other men’s heads from time to time. The other day I must have been having a good day because I sent Alabama a selfie and he said he nearly fell off his seat, another man wouldn’t quit staring as I walked across the parking lot and there was more than one double-take. I’m a middle-aged woman and that does something for the ego. I won’t lie…I checked the mirror to see if there was a booger or something. I was like WTF?
I think all of these changes really have done something for my ego, though. I don’t walk into a place and look at the floor anymore. I look straight ahead or wherever else I might want to look. If I catch someone’s eyes accidentally, I don’t act ashamed. I walk with more confidence. That sounds odd I know but I take long strides now.
Yesterday as I was driving, there was a little snarl and I needed out of the mess. If I could exit, it would fix the whole thing. Well men were everywhere. I looked at all them and kinda shrugged like “Please?” and they all graciously parted for me to get through and all smiled and waved. Do you think that the woman from last year would have done that? No. She would have backed up and tried something else. This woman just went right through it and the problem was solved. I waved at all of them and kept going.
There has been a lot going on lately with others around me and it has made me really think. Big discovery! I’m a bitch. I don’t want to be. But I am. Actually, I am an envious bitch.
It makes me sad to know this about myself. I have had several conversations with myself about it telling myself that I am really happy for others. I am really not all that bad. Bottom line is, yeah, I am that bad. But the truth is that I really don’t want to be.
What’s going on? Well, I have been single for quite some time. I have come to terms with it. I have pushed the married men away who keep hitting on me and am just trying to be happy on my own. Accept what is and live my life. Suddenly I am surrounded by family and friends who are getting pregnant or married or both. I feel surrounded by people who I should be happy for and yet a piece of me is not the least bit happy for them. Now the majority of me is happy for them but i will say about 8% of me doesn’t give 2 shits about it and actually wants to tell them to shut the hell up. Some of them are sensitive to others. But some of them prattle on and on about it to the point where I just want to vomit at their feet and tell them that is what I think about it. And yes, I am a 40 something year old woman and shouldn’t behave like a 12-year-old, but sometimes the inner child wants to break free.
So now the whole world knows that Anonymous is an uncaring, self-centered bitch whose heart hurts every time she hears about engagement rings, wedding plans and baby reveal parties. I’m at a point where I may have to take a Facebook break just to avoid seeing all of that mess for a while. The other day I literally broke down in tears after seeing 5 different posts. So that is what I am thinking and feeling.