Tag Archives: truth

Alcohol doesn’t lie

I am a God-fearing Christian woman. Make no mistake. But I am hurting tonight. On Valentine’s Day and the day after my heart was hurt and yet hurt yet again. He said he loved me but he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m hurting tonight and the only way I knew to ease that pain somehow was to drink. I have drunk so much that I can’t feel my tongue and the room spins when I close my eyes.

I’m going to be truthful, though. I thought he was the one. I thought we could overcome and surpass anything. I loved him. How stupid I am to think that in my mid 40s? Pretty damn stupid.

So tonight I got drunk. Really drunk. I’m examining my life and it really sucks. I am not suicidal but I am so hurt and angry right now that i don’t know what to do or say.

I believed. I really did. Now I don’t know what I think. I believe it for others but not for myself. It’s too late.

Humans want to have love. It is something we crave. I have wanted it since I was a child..to feel truly loved. And I haven’t felt loved, never completely. For a brief moment I did. And then it was over. On Valentine’s Day and the day after. How romantic.

So now the pain has caught up and I’m drunk and hurt. Is it good to do this? No. But I don’t have anyone to turn to. I’m alone. I just want to cry to someone. I can’t. So I type and cry to you. I believed. I did.

So while every other aspect of life is so -so, this one is debilitating. I just want to hibernate and sleep or cry. I hurt.

 

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I’m Done

So Alabama never contacted me. That hurt. And I am still recovering. So then an ex and I got  in touch and we decided to hang out. I asked about how things were, what was up, was he involved, etc. I needed a little rebound TLC. Hugs, kisses, laughter and old stories. So then the next day I found out ummmm…he IS in a relationship. I called him out on it. He said it was essentially an open relationship and didn’t understand why I was mad and he didn’t realize I was looking for a boyfriend. I lit into him and told him I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, but I was looking for the truth. And we had been friends for 9 years and he lied to me. I’d forgiven him years ago for something stupid but this was the last straw. I told him to not twist things  and act like it was me having an issues. It was me not liking being lied to or brought into a situation I didn’t want to be in. I still don’t think he gets it.

So this has made me just give up. I am done. My focus right now is trying to just survive this year and not be bitter. I had hoped this was my year. It is as far as a new job and weight loss. But venturing back out in the sea of relationships….no. No thank you. I’m done.

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