Tag Archives: pain

Shutting My Brain Down

I hate my brain at times. It won’t shut down. It replays painful things and analyzes them. Why did this happen? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him? Am I going to always hurt?

I want to go to bed right now but my brain is spinning. It won’t stop. I hurt but yet I am very angry. I want to tell him off but that is pointless. He would take it as “she still wants me” and what it really is is the fact that I think he is a pompous asshole who needs to be told that treating people that way is shitty.

I didn’t turn my love off. I can’t do that. But I realized that his treatment of me was horrific. My heart is still tender. I am sure it will be for a bit. I loved him honestly and without stipulations. He put limitations and stipulations on his feelings for me and placed blame on me for everything. That’s not fair or right.

I’m hurt and angry. At him, myself, God, the world…


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Still no word. My heart hurts. I feel like I have been at war with myself all week. “Text him!” No! I feel like God told me to not text him or call him. He needs to miss me. But does he miss me? I don’t know. He sure hasn’t picked up the phone. But he does still “like” one of my art pages. I thought he would leave that too. No. So maybe he is watching that. I opened my Facebook up so he can look if he wants. I am not putting anything I am ashamed of. Let him get glimpses of me. Today he can see my new auburn hair color. And I was smiling.

I sent his painting to him. I had started one for him of his guitar. I couldn’t keep it. I couldn’t destroy it. So I shipped it. I sent a letter with it. Here is what it said:

Dear Alabama,

I know you must be surprised to be getting this. But once you said you wanted a guitar painting, this one was yours. I wanted it to resemble yours. I hope it is close. I started it immediately after that conversation. It bothers me that it isn’t perfect but I hope you still like it. I know you might be wondering why after everything I am sending it. It was always yours. It was never for me or mine. I wouldn’t want anyone else to have it and I can’t destroy it. I care too much about it and you to do that. It reminds me of you and if you’re not in my life, I just can’t see it–it hurts.

Alabama, I know it was only 6 weeks. But it made me happy to know there was someone who seemed to understand my hurts and fears, who laughed with me, who seemed to think I was pretty. It was amazing to me because I found you handsome, exciting, fun, challenging and caring.

I am sorry for holding too tightly. I never meant to–all of the losses in my life caused a lot of fear. I just wish you’d communicated before giving up. We could have been special. As much as I hurt, I know you’re a good man, Alabama. I miss you.



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Friendships and Breakups

You really find out who your friends are in times of troubles. Especially a breakup. The majority of my “friends” are assholes. Many of them don’t realize I am in the process of divorcing them. Their behavior was reprehensible.

I didn’t want to be alone this weekend. I wanted to get out and try to do something so that I didn’t sit home and cry all weekend. I put out a post asking if ANYONE would maybe meet me to go watch football or for dinner Saturday. i have almost 300 friends on Facebook. Not ONE responded. Not ONE!

There were some “What’s wrong?” questions. And here is a smattering of replies I received:

“Sometimes it is just better to be alone.”

“Some people will always be alone and maybe you are just going to have to realize that you’re one of those poeple.”

“You put yourself in a stupid situation and now you say you’re hurt? Really? I’m sorry but you got what you deserved.”

“You can’t develop feelings for someone you met online, even if you did talk on the phone and communicate other ways.”

“You’re overreacting.”

“Well, hopefully you learned something.”

“At least you hadn’t slept with him yet.”

“You give your heart away too easily.” (I have loved a total of 3 men in my entire life)

Yes, these are just some of the things I was told. I am angry with some of the people in my life for not understanding that my heart is broken. I loved that man.

So part of the problem things hurt so much is that I didn’t just lose a man I loved…I also lost family/friends I loved, too. I can’t abide by people who would treat me so callously. If you have no car for what I am going through, you have no place in my life.


Filed under Life In General

I Don’t Know What To Do

My heart hurts. I don’t know how to grieve. I have grieved all my life. This is different. It was the beginning of love. And the end. I thought it was special. I have lost everyone in my life. I should know how to do this. I should. I have cried all weekend. I got drunk Friday night. I stayed sober Saturday. I went to church today. Nothing feels good. I have prayed. I feel like there is a hole in my heart. I honestly don’t know how I am alive. How do ¬†you stay alive with no beating heart? I am not sure.

What do y’all do when you hurt like this? My friends have not been supportive. One told me that I put myself in a position to get hurt so I pretty much deserved it. I lost love and friendships this weekend. I am at a loss. I’m hurt and angry.

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It Ended

He was quiet unexpectedly. Nothing. 3 days. Finally he said that he realized he was to blame too but that he felt that he felt like he was having to check in with me. He said we argue too much. There have been times when he thought I was angry when I wasn’t. Sometimes I was asking a question and he took it as me being mad. Then he said he felt like he has to report to me daily. I was like what? He would text me quite a bit all day. So I am not supposed to respond or ask about his day? Finally he wants to slow things down because he can’t be “held down”. Ok….because there are several 100s miles between us, that makes PERFECT sense. I’d like to hold him down and pour cold water on him and ask him if he has a brain. Lastly, if i want any kind of relationship with him, friend or something more then give him space. Oh he is getting space.

As angry and hurt as I am, I love him. I know we are two broken people. But don’t blame me for things that are in your broken bag. I am glad you owned up to some of your shit but don’t put this shit all on me. I don’t appreciate it.

I felt like someone cut my chest open and pulled out my heart. It hurt. I have cried and cried. I thought there couldn’t be more tears. There are still more tears. I can’t stand them.

People are telling me that love shouldn’t be so hard and that love doesn’t hurt. You know? I don’t believe that necessarily. Love can and does hurt.

I have prayed and prayed. I felt like God had given me this man. Now I am angry that he is gone. I am devastated. I feel like God said that I need to just wait and let him miss me. I think the man loves me but is terrified and wants to argue in order to distance himself. Very smart. Push away a woman who loves you because you’re scared. That’s brilliant.

I am hurting.

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