I hate my brain at times. It won’t shut down. It replays painful things and analyzes them. Why did this happen? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him? Am I going to always hurt?
I want to go to bed right now but my brain is spinning. It won’t stop. I hurt but yet I am very angry. I want to tell him off but that is pointless. He would take it as “she still wants me” and what it really is is the fact that I think he is a pompous asshole who needs to be told that treating people that way is shitty.
I didn’t turn my love off. I can’t do that. But I realized that his treatment of me was horrific. My heart is still tender. I am sure it will be for a bit. I loved him honestly and without stipulations. He put limitations and stipulations on his feelings for me and placed blame on me for everything. That’s not fair or right.
I’m hurt and angry. At him, myself, God, the world…
I didn’t have a chance to write anything yesterday but I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. I did. I spent it with my adopted family. Since I don’t have my own family, I have a family that calls me theirs and I adore them. It’s a very crazy and dysfunctional family and I adore them.
There was lots of music, dancing and singing while we cooked. There was a lot of laughter. There was a lot of texting. NerdyGuy missed me and I missed him. He was with his family 2 hours away. I’m so glad he got to see them. I actually got to talk to his dad. That was interesting because neither of us were prepared. Good thing I can talk to anyone! 🙂 I also got to meet my adopted niece’s boyfriend who is a doll. I think I might have a new nephew in the future.
Last night NerdyGuy told me he was coming home a day early. I was surprised. Happy in a way, but surprised. I don’t want him to give up time with his family for me. I’m here and will still be here. His grandmother and parents are older…they don’t get to see him often. I don’t mind sharing. He was theirs way before he was mine. They deserve time with him.
He’s going to be here any minute. I’m excited. I think I’m falling in love with him. It’s scary. This might be the one. It’s scary as hell. But I’m so happy. I’m so thankful he is in my life.
So NerdyGuy and I have been doing great. Dates are good. I even kissed that man so good he forgot to breathe for half a second. I was proud of myself.
So NerdyGuy typically sends me a morning text on his break from work, a quick hi at lunch and a hello as he is leaving work. (he gets off 2 hours earlier than me.) Then we talk on phone and/or text at night. Saturday we had dinner at my place and it was relaxing. We talked about his new game coming out on Tuesday and I told him I guessed it would be Bye Bye Anonymous for a while. He said no…of course he would make time for me. All I had to do was name the time and place and he would be there. I was impressed with that. So I know how boys are with their toys. I wasn’t going to come between him and his toy. So we were talking Sunday and I said, “So you said I could name time and place, right?” and he was like, “Yeah?” So I said, “Monday. I want you to bring me dinner Monday to the house.” I knew Monday was going to be rough and I was going to be tired. A little TLC would be nice. Also, I would have some lovey dovey time and then he would have Tuesday and Wednesday free to play. He has a bible study group on Thursday. Friday he will need to go to bed earlier because he is working early on Saturday. I explained all of this to him and he laughed and said, “You thought this through, huh?” I smiled and said, “Of course. It’s a win all the way around.” He saw my logic.
So we’ve been dating almost a month. Not that long I know. But he has brought up more than once us going to visit his parents in another city. He has said he likes that things with us seem to be rolling right along. What the hell does that mean?
And finally….do I have a boyfriend or what? I mean the man checks in with me constantly but it isn’t in a clingy way. It’s more of an “I’m thinking of you” text. Nothing too lengthy. That is for evening when we can talk.
Men…when do I know?
So Alabama is an ass. He is also childish. He tried to start some crap on a mutual friend’s Facebook by posting something about how when he sees something he doesn’t like in someone he will ignore them or something to that effect. It was on a thread that was inappropriate. He knew I would see it and he was trying to provoke me. He knows I have a temper. I was able to control it, though. I let his post sit there. He looked like a jackass. He got called out by the original poster of the first comment. He started arguing with them. He never contacted me personally. Why? He wasn’t man enough to actually speak with me. I’m not sure if the mutual friend was telling him anything I said to her but I let her know that he was more than welcome to call, text or message me. I wasn’t afraid to speak with him but that I wasn’t stooping to a public fight.
I started to move on and decided to check an online dating site. There was this one guy (NerdyGuy) that was too cute and persistent. I liked it. I liked him. So after he asked me out 3 times and I was unable to go he was not liking that. And I do see why. He thought I didn’t want to. I did, but he wanted to go last minute on a first date. WHAT?!?!?!?!? No! I finally snapped at him and explained that I was busy for the first time in months and I needed to plan. I had cleared my calendar for him for the next week if he wanted to go out. He started to realize that I wasn’t rejecting him but that I had things going on. So I asked him what day. He told me to pick it. I picked Tuesday. He told me to pick a restaurant. I picked one that had trivia night on Tuesdays. I asked if he was ok with all of that. He was.
It was the BEST first date of my life. I laughed for 2.5 hours. He held my hand a little. We felt like kids. He walked me to my car. Hugged me good night. Texted me when he got home. Texted me the next morning to tell me he had a good time. We texted throughout the week. I asked him what his weekend looked like and he said no plans. I asked would he like plans and he said yes. I asked would he like plans with me and he said of course. We have texted and talked all week. So tonight is our second date. I hope it is as easy as Tuesday. He makes me smile and laugh and feel like I’m a teenager again.
Yes, I cared about Alabama but he didn’t seem to have the depth that NerdyGuy does. NerdyGuy is who is. He goes to church weekly and is attentive in the ways I need and want. He makes me laugh.
We’ll see. I’m seeing how it goes.I don’t want to get hurt again.
So Alabama never contacted me. That hurt. And I am still recovering. So then an ex and I got in touch and we decided to hang out. I asked about how things were, what was up, was he involved, etc. I needed a little rebound TLC. Hugs, kisses, laughter and old stories. So then the next day I found out ummmm…he IS in a relationship. I called him out on it. He said it was essentially an open relationship and didn’t understand why I was mad and he didn’t realize I was looking for a boyfriend. I lit into him and told him I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, but I was looking for the truth. And we had been friends for 9 years and he lied to me. I’d forgiven him years ago for something stupid but this was the last straw. I told him to not twist things and act like it was me having an issues. It was me not liking being lied to or brought into a situation I didn’t want to be in. I still don’t think he gets it.
So this has made me just give up. I am done. My focus right now is trying to just survive this year and not be bitter. I had hoped this was my year. It is as far as a new job and weight loss. But venturing back out in the sea of relationships….no. No thank you. I’m done.
So, he still makes me laugh. But he makes me want to knock him in the head, too. I suppose that is normal? As you get to know people you learn more, you learn their quirks. One of his is about vulnerability. Once he shows an ounce of vulnerability, he withdraws. It is frustrating. I really want to kick this man in the head. Last night we were talking and doing quite well. Then he admits he is falling for me and it scares him. And I had the appropriate butterflies. Next thing I know, he is off the grid. I’m like “you asshole!” I didn’t say that to him. It’s pointless. I kinda get it but it pisses me off, too. I retreat when I get uncomfortable. But he is telling me in one breath we are great and things are going to be wonderful and all this other jazz and then he runs like a scared kid. I’m not going to chase him. I’m going to wait him out. Bad thing for him is I’m a Capricorn, too, and I am as stubborn as him. I can wait. I got shit to do today. Will I wonder? Yep. Will I push those buttons on that phone? Nope. Will he? Eventually.