Tag Archives: love

Stupid heart

I have been staying busy with church. Funny thing is that the pastor suggested I take a class that my ex is in. I have been in it a few weeks.

The week before I started the class, I saw my ex at church. I had just gotten a text that my aunt was dying and I was reading it and my facial expression must have been one of horror. I had tears in my eyes. He came up to me and asked what was wrong and I told him and he hugged me so tight and just held me. I told him I thought he hated me and he said he never hated me. I told him I  thought so. We pulled apart and he looked down at me and I looked up. There was a look of love in his eyes for just a moment and then in a blink it was gone. He must have felt it there and knew he had to shut it down. I know it wasn’t my imagination. It made me so angry. I wanted to just slap him and ask him how he could turn it on and off so easily. I didn’t. We talked for a few more minutes and I was crying because of the concern for my aunt. It was scary. There was a possibility of her surviving but it seemed so small of a chance. He hugged me again and off we went in separate directions. It hurt on so many levels.

On the way home I was angry and hurt and I called him and I just flat-out asked if he had ever loved me. His answer surprised me. It wasn’t clear-cut and that made me angry. He said yes and no. That is not an answer! He said he knew I didn’t want to hear that but that was all he could say. I told him no that wasn’t what I wanted to hear and that I would rather have heard no. He seemed shocked by that. I also told him that I had loved him and there was no doubt on my part but it didn’t really matter. I thanked him for his honesty. I then dropped the bomb on him that I would be in his class at church the next week and to not be surprised. I told him I had spoken with the pastor and that he felt I should come. I told him I had met with the pastor to determine what my path should be as far as the church went and he seemed stunned. I told him I would be there and that it wasn’t for him and that it was completely for me and to not be surprised when I showed up. He said ok. He said the class was helping him a lot and I just said flatly, “Good.” I thanked him for his time and honesty and hung up.

Over that weekend I went home to Alabama and it was a well-needed trip. My aunt survived. She isn’t doing well and I will probably never see her alive again. But I felt so loved. It made me want to move home.

I came back refreshed and revived and I went to the class. I got there early in order to get a seat close to the door. I wanted to be prepared in case I needed to run. He is usually an early bird but he got there right before the class started. I was texting to a friend. He said hi and I barely said hello and it was not in a nice tone. He stood for a moment before walking away. I didn’t have to speak anymore that night. The lesson was on relationships and to treat others kindly and  to be more empathetic and caring rather than so me-centric. And to try to look at the other person’s POV rather than being so reactive. They also spoke of not giving up so quickly.I literally saw him squirm 3 times. We broke up into men/women’s groups. The women’s group got done early and I didn’t have to see him. I just left.

This past week I went back. I saw a mutual friend in the hall and chatted. Then I went in and sat with one of the girls and was laughing and chatting. He walked in and said softly, “Hey, Anonymous.” I looked over and said while laughing, “Hey! How are ya” and turned back to my friend. He seemed stunned then too. So then everyone came in and settled down and we watched a video which was about amends and how to make amends. It wasn’t the most comfortable video. We broke up into men/women’s groups. Our group talked and really discussed a lot of things. The women knew my story and that he was back there. So I led us in prayer and finished up. Here he comes back up. He touched my elbow and said quietly, “Hey, Anonymous…I’ll see you later, ok?” I was stunned and didn’t know how to react so I just said, “Sure, have a good night!” I mean I am at church and can’t yell or cuss. I turned back to the women and they all look stunned. Two of the women said for sure that he seemed very caring the way he said it. I was just like I don’t know what to think. As the women and I walked down to leave, there he was at the front door. Great…so we went on to the front because it was time to go. I hear, “Anonymous.” And then I hear, “There she is! Anonymous! Come here” I’m thinking NOOOOOOO. But I go over to where ex and our mutual friend is and say, “Here I am! Tada! What’s up?” The friend says, “We were just talking about you.” I said, “Yeah, so I heard. What’s that about?” The friend says, “Only good things! Promise!” I said, “Yeah, yeah! I’ve heard that before.” He said, “Noooo…I was telling him I saw you upstairs.” I wasn’t buying it but I said, “You sure did! And we had a good talk. Look, y’all, the girls are getting ready to leave and I need to say goodbye to them. I hope y’all have a good night! I’ll see ya later! Bye!!” I walked away to the girls but I have been left with questions and uncertainty for days.

That night I could tell there was a change in his demeanor. He was softer. I don’t know what was the matter with him. Conviction? The men from his group telling him honestly about what they thought? No clue. The week before I had been dismissive and the sermon was hard because it was on how you treat people well in relationships and you don’t just treat them like crap. This week I had been polite and the sermon was about amends. Maybe he was feeling something? I don’t know.

What I know now is that I have prayed until I am frustrated. I have heard God finally and His answer was to be still and know that He is God. Ok…I know He is God. But that doesn’t ease my anxiety. That doesn’t let me know what the ex is up to. It is scary and frustrating.

My friend said she saw the whole thing and that he looked sincere. I said he seemed sincere, too, but I don’t trust it or him right now. He broke me. It took years to put me back together. And in just a little over 3 months time, he broke me. She said but you still love him? I said yes. She asked, “What if he wanted to try again?” I said it’s not that easy. I may love him but I love me more. I am not willing to just say it is ok. It’s not. I am broken and hurt and angry. I may not be acting that way at church, but it’s CHURCH. I’m being polite. She asked again, “What if he wanted back together?” I was honest. I said, “I love him and I would try on a condition that I don’t think he would do because he said no before. We would have to do counseling together. That is the only way.” She said that she thought after everything that it sounded fair. I told her I don’t think we have to worry about that.

This all happened on Wednesday. It is late Saturday night/early Sunday morning and I haven’t heard from him. Several of my friends said they thought he would contact me this week. I really didn’t think so. So far I am right. I am trying to be still and know God is God. And I am anxious about Wednesday. The only for sure thing about Wednesday is that I will look good.

If anybody has any thoughts, throw them out there. And throw a prayer up. My anxiety is wow!

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Shutting My Brain Down

I hate my brain at times. It won’t shut down. It replays painful things and analyzes them. Why did this happen? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him? Am I going to always hurt?

I want to go to bed right now but my brain is spinning. It won’t stop. I hurt but yet I am very angry. I want to tell him off but that is pointless. He would take it as “she still wants me” and what it really is is the fact that I think he is a pompous asshole who needs to be told that treating people that way is shitty.

I didn’t turn my love off. I can’t do that. But I realized that his treatment of me was horrific. My heart is still tender. I am sure it will be for a bit. I loved him honestly and without stipulations. He put limitations and stipulations on his feelings for me and placed blame on me for everything. That’s not fair or right.

I’m hurt and angry. At him, myself, God, the world…

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Alcohol doesn’t lie

I am a God-fearing Christian woman. Make no mistake. But I am hurting tonight. On Valentine’s Day and the day after my heart was hurt and yet hurt yet again. He said he loved me but he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m hurting tonight and the only way I knew to ease that pain somehow was to drink. I have drunk so much that I can’t feel my tongue and the room spins when I close my eyes.

I’m going to be truthful, though. I thought he was the one. I thought we could overcome and surpass anything. I loved him. How stupid I am to think that in my mid 40s? Pretty damn stupid.

So tonight I got drunk. Really drunk. I’m examining my life and it really sucks. I am not suicidal but I am so hurt and angry right now that i don’t know what to do or say.

I believed. I really did. Now I don’t know what I think. I believe it for others but not for myself. It’s too late.

Humans want to have love. It is something we crave. I have wanted it since I was a child..to feel truly loved. And I haven’t felt loved, never completely. For a brief moment I did. And then it was over. On Valentine’s Day and the day after. How romantic.

So now the pain has caught up and I’m drunk and hurt. Is it good to do this? No. But I don’t have anyone to turn to. I’m alone. I just want to cry to someone. I can’t. So I type and cry to you. I believed. I did.

So while every other aspect of life is so -so, this one is debilitating. I just want to hibernate and sleep or cry. I hurt.

 

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Big Changes

NerdyGuy is the one!!! I love him so much. It amazes me how this man has snagged my heart. I will be Mrs. NerdyGuy eventually. Yes, he asked. And I did say yes. 🙂 We haven’t set a date or anything. We have kept it kinda quiet because his family hasn’t met me yet.

I got friend requests from his daughter and mother on Facebook. That is a good thing I think. His daughter and I messaged back and forth yesterday and laughed about how he can quote certain movies and we tune him out. It was funny to share that with her. I think his mom is still on the fence about me but is trying. I posted a funny picture on her wall today and she liked it. I would love to have a mother-in-law that liked me. I had one years ago that hated me. This would be a nice change of pace.

So that is the news of the moment. I have no clue when we’re getting married, but we are. I told him I don’t want an actual engagement ring. I want an infinity wedding band. He was surprised because most women want the honking rock. I told him I have had a rock before and I don’t need it. I just want a pretty band and that is all. I don’t need fancy stuff. I showed him one that is similar to what I want and told him that was the idea to draw from and explained my reasoning on it. He liked it and liked that it wasn’t a super-expensive ring.

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I Have The Answer!

I have the answer to the boyfriend question! Yes, I have a boyfriend!!!!! He came over tonight and we were talking. I told him I thought that I was going to take my profile down off the dating site we had both used. He looked at me and asked, “Really? I think that is a good idea. I’m taking mine down, too.” I asked, “Really?” He said, “Yeah. So maybe we should consider being exclusive. What do you think?” I smiled at him as I said, “I like that idea.”

We both grinned at each other like love-sick teens and then he kissed me. After the kiss I asked, “So does this mean you’re my boyfriend?!?!?!?!” He laughed and asked, “Do we have to put a label on it?” I said in a very matter-of-fact tone, “YES!” He laughed again and said, “Then yes! I’m your boyfriend.”

We were going to watch a movie tonight but we ended up talking most of the night. It was nice to just be able to talk. We both said how nice it was that we can just talk. He said that he liked that being with me didn’t seem like work and that other relationships in the past seemed so complicated. We just click. We are just who we are with no pretenses. He just gets me and vice versa.

I like having a boyfriend who hits the checklist. He makes me smile.

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About Face

So Alabama is an ass. He is also childish. He tried to start some crap on a mutual friend’s Facebook by posting something about how when he sees something he doesn’t like in someone he will ignore them or something to that effect. It was on a thread that was inappropriate. He knew I would see it and he was trying to provoke me. He knows I have a temper. I was able to control it, though. I let his post sit there. He looked like a jackass. He got called out by the original poster of the first comment. He started arguing with them. He never contacted me personally. Why? He wasn’t man enough to actually speak with me. I’m not sure if the mutual friend was telling him anything I said to her but I let her know that he was more than welcome to call, text or message me. I wasn’t afraid to speak with him but that I wasn’t stooping to a public fight.

I started to move on and decided to check an online dating site. There was this one guy (NerdyGuy) that was too cute and persistent. I liked it. I liked him. So after he asked me out 3 times and I was unable to go he was not liking that. And I do see why. He thought I didn’t want to. I did, but he wanted to go last minute on a first date. WHAT?!?!?!?!? No! I finally snapped at him and explained that I was busy for the first time in months and I needed to plan. I had cleared my calendar for him for the next week if he wanted to go out. He started to realize that I wasn’t rejecting him but that I had things going on. So I asked him what day. He told me to pick it. I picked Tuesday. He told me to pick a restaurant. I picked one that had trivia night on Tuesdays. I asked if he was ok with all of that. He was.

It was the BEST first date of my life. I laughed for 2.5 hours. He held my hand a little. We felt like kids. He walked me to my car. Hugged me good night. Texted me when he got home. Texted me the next morning to tell me he had a good time. We texted throughout the week. I asked him what his weekend looked like and he said no plans. I asked would he like plans and he said yes. I asked would he like plans with me and he said of course. We have texted and talked all week. So tonight is our second date. I hope it is as easy as Tuesday. He makes me smile and laugh and feel like I’m a teenager again.

Yes, I cared about Alabama but he didn’t seem to have the depth that NerdyGuy does. NerdyGuy is who is. He goes to church weekly and is attentive in the ways I need and want. He makes me laugh.

We’ll see. I’m seeing how it goes.I don’t want to get hurt again.

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Nothing

Still no word. My heart hurts. I feel like I have been at war with myself all week. “Text him!” No! I feel like God told me to not text him or call him. He needs to miss me. But does he miss me? I don’t know. He sure hasn’t picked up the phone. But he does still “like” one of my art pages. I thought he would leave that too. No. So maybe he is watching that. I opened my Facebook up so he can look if he wants. I am not putting anything I am ashamed of. Let him get glimpses of me. Today he can see my new auburn hair color. And I was smiling.

I sent his painting to him. I had started one for him of his guitar. I couldn’t keep it. I couldn’t destroy it. So I shipped it. I sent a letter with it. Here is what it said:

Dear Alabama,

I know you must be surprised to be getting this. But once you said you wanted a guitar painting, this one was yours. I wanted it to resemble yours. I hope it is close. I started it immediately after that conversation. It bothers me that it isn’t perfect but I hope you still like it. I know you might be wondering why after everything I am sending it. It was always yours. It was never for me or mine. I wouldn’t want anyone else to have it and I can’t destroy it. I care too much about it and you to do that. It reminds me of you and if you’re not in my life, I just can’t see it–it hurts.

Alabama, I know it was only 6 weeks. But it made me happy to know there was someone who seemed to understand my hurts and fears, who laughed with me, who seemed to think I was pretty. It was amazing to me because I found you handsome, exciting, fun, challenging and caring.

I am sorry for holding too tightly. I never meant to–all of the losses in my life caused a lot of fear. I just wish you’d communicated before giving up. We could have been special. As much as I hurt, I know you’re a good man, Alabama. I miss you.

Love,

Anonymous.

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