Tag Archives: loss

Shutting My Brain Down

I hate my brain at times. It won’t shut down. It replays painful things and analyzes them. Why did this happen? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him? Am I going to always hurt?

I want to go to bed right now but my brain is spinning. It won’t stop. I hurt but yet I am very angry. I want to tell him off but that is pointless. He would take it as “she still wants me” and what it really is is the fact that I think he is a pompous asshole who needs to be told that treating people that way is shitty.

I didn’t turn my love off. I can’t do that. But I realized that his treatment of me was horrific. My heart is still tender. I am sure it will be for a bit. I loved him honestly and without stipulations. He put limitations and stipulations on his feelings for me and placed blame on me for everything. That’s not fair or right.

I’m hurt and angry. At him, myself, God, the world…

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Filed under Men, Uncategorized

Friendships and Breakups

You really find out who your friends are in times of troubles. Especially a breakup. The majority of my “friends” are assholes. Many of them don’t realize I am in the process of divorcing them. Their behavior was reprehensible.

I didn’t want to be alone this weekend. I wanted to get out and try to do something so that I didn’t sit home and cry all weekend. I put out a post asking if ANYONE would maybe meet me to go watch football or for dinner Saturday. i have almost 300 friends on Facebook. Not ONE responded. Not ONE!

There were some “What’s wrong?” questions. And here is a smattering of replies I received:

“Sometimes it is just better to be alone.”

“Some people will always be alone and maybe you are just going to have to realize that you’re one of those poeple.”

“You put yourself in a stupid situation and now you say you’re hurt? Really? I’m sorry but you got what you deserved.”

“You can’t develop feelings for someone you met online, even if you did talk on the phone and communicate other ways.”

“You’re overreacting.”

“Well, hopefully you learned something.”

“At least you hadn’t slept with him yet.”

“You give your heart away too easily.” (I have loved a total of 3 men in my entire life)

Yes, these are just some of the things I was told. I am angry with some of the people in my life for not understanding that my heart is broken. I loved that man.

So part of the problem things hurt so much is that I didn’t just lose a man I loved…I also lost family/friends I loved, too. I can’t abide by people who would treat me so callously. If you have no car for what I am going through, you have no place in my life.

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Filed under Life In General

An Angel Got Her Wings

My unofficial adopted mother passed away today. I didn’t want her to suffer anymore. It’s hard knowing that someone you love is in pain. I never wanted to lose her. She’s been my rock for almost 17 years. I lost both of my parents young. She recognized my broken heart and just loved  me.

I learned long ago to tell people you care about how you feel. I’ve lost almost everyone I ever loved throughout my life. Maybe that was a good thing because I learned the value of love and friendships. It certainly hurt like hell but I would rather hurt than have them hurt.

There’s always that possibility that tomorrow may never come. Show those you love that they mean the world to you daily.

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Absolutely Anxious

My anxiety has been a much higher rate than normal. I have always had some anxiety, but it was manageable until six years ago. I was physically assaulted by someone who was completely out of control. From that point on, I had hypervigilence, nightmares, panic attacks and general anxiety.

My life has felt out of control lately. I truly hate my job…to the point of tears before going there at times. My boss goes out of her way to be rude and ugly to me. I have looked up hostile work environment laws and workplace bullying and don’t know if I have anything to work with because she is attacking me personally and not because of a legitimate group that is typically discriminated against. My adopted mother has been sick and is now considered terminally ill. My cousin died a couple of months ago and it was devastating.

All of these things have caused my anxiety to go through the roof. I called my doctor to ask for a refill on Xanax but was told I would need to come in for an appointment. I have worked 15 days straight and at this point in the month (August 30, 2014) I have had 3 days off this month. One of those was a sick day. I have been unable to make an appointment due to my erratic work schedule. I never knew when I would be off. So finally I was at the end of my rope. I was having a full-fledged meltdown. I called the doctor’s office and told them I was unable to deal with things at the current rate. I couldn’t get an appointment with my doctor that day but I could be seen by someone else. I didn’t care. I went. When I got there, my blood pressure was higher than it has ever been. It was 152/95. That isn’t good. I was upset because the thought of going to work in the state I was in was causing more anxiety. It was not a good day. The doctor came in and was like “DAMN!” I was so grateful that she saw the reaction. Tears streamed as I talked to her and explained my situation. She realized I wasn’t a drug seeker and gave me a prescription immediately. I hadn’t had a prescription of Xanax in almost a year. I told her I needed something that wasn’t so sedating but would assist at work. She also gave me buspar. It has helped tremendously.

Life is up in the air right now. I still have anxiety. But it is becoming manageable.

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Saying Goodbye

My life has been full of goodbyes. It seems like most of the people I loved left or were taken. I built walls around myself. There is a family that broke through those walls, though, and loved me for who I am and despite who I am. Because I lost my parents in my mid-20s, I needed that love.

Now 17 years later I am forced to begin saying goodbye again. Losing my biological parents nearly destroyed me. Losing my adopted mother has my heart bursting with pain. She is so frail and weak. I love that woman beyond measure. I hate this. I know we can’t live forever, but she deserves more time. I need more time with her.

She is the person who gave me hope again that people are good. She laughed at my irreverence and nurtured my relationship with God. She understood the pain I have gone through and provided comfort when I thought nothing would ever be right.

Tonight I saw her lying in that hospital bed so frail and weak. I just wanted to climb in the bed and hold her and tell her how much she means to me. I didn’t want to upset her by talking about death, though. So we talked about my crazy life and how I thought about sneaking one of the cats in to see her. I made her smile. She made me smile. I told her how much I love her. But it didn’t feel like enough. Is it ever enough? I love her. I hate that she’s leaving me and the rest of her family.

She has been such a strong and loving example. She is honestly one of the best women I have ever known in my life. She has always been slow to admonish and quick to hug.

I don’t like this feeling. But I love her and I don’t want her to suffer.

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