Tag Archives: God

Stupid heart

I have been staying busy with church. Funny thing is that the pastor suggested I take a class that my ex is in. I have been in it a few weeks.

The week before I started the class, I saw my ex at church. I had just gotten a text that my aunt was dying and I was reading it and my facial expression must have been one of horror. I had tears in my eyes. He came up to me and asked what was wrong and I told him and he hugged me so tight and just held me. I told him I thought he hated me and he said he never hated me. I told him I  thought so. We pulled apart and he looked down at me and I looked up. There was a look of love in his eyes for just a moment and then in a blink it was gone. He must have felt it there and knew he had to shut it down. I know it wasn’t my imagination. It made me so angry. I wanted to just slap him and ask him how he could turn it on and off so easily. I didn’t. We talked for a few more minutes and I was crying because of the concern for my aunt. It was scary. There was a possibility of her surviving but it seemed so small of a chance. He hugged me again and off we went in separate directions. It hurt on so many levels.

On the way home I was angry and hurt and I called him and I just flat-out asked if he had ever loved me. His answer surprised me. It wasn’t clear-cut and that made me angry. He said yes and no. That is not an answer! He said he knew I didn’t want to hear that but that was all he could say. I told him no that wasn’t what I wanted to hear and that I would rather have heard no. He seemed shocked by that. I also told him that I had loved him and there was no doubt on my part but it didn’t really matter. I thanked him for his honesty. I then dropped the bomb on him that I would be in his class at church the next week and to not be surprised. I told him I had spoken with the pastor and that he felt I should come. I told him I had met with the pastor to determine what my path should be as far as the church went and he seemed stunned. I told him I would be there and that it wasn’t for him and that it was completely for me and to not be surprised when I showed up. He said ok. He said the class was helping him a lot and I just said flatly, “Good.” I thanked him for his time and honesty and hung up.

Over that weekend I went home to Alabama and it was a well-needed trip. My aunt survived. She isn’t doing well and I will probably never see her alive again. But I felt so loved. It made me want to move home.

I came back refreshed and revived and I went to the class. I got there early in order to get a seat close to the door. I wanted to be prepared in case I needed to run. He is usually an early bird but he got there right before the class started. I was texting to a friend. He said hi and I barely said hello and it was not in a nice tone. He stood for a moment before walking away. I didn’t have to speak anymore that night. The lesson was on relationships and to treat others kindly and  to be more empathetic and caring rather than so me-centric. And to try to look at the other person’s POV rather than being so reactive. They also spoke of not giving up so quickly.I literally saw him squirm 3 times. We broke up into men/women’s groups. The women’s group got done early and I didn’t have to see him. I just left.

This past week I went back. I saw a mutual friend in the hall and chatted. Then I went in and sat with one of the girls and was laughing and chatting. He walked in and said softly, “Hey, Anonymous.” I looked over and said while laughing, “Hey! How are ya” and turned back to my friend. He seemed stunned then too. So then everyone came in and settled down and we watched a video which was about amends and how to make amends. It wasn’t the most comfortable video. We broke up into men/women’s groups. Our group talked and really discussed a lot of things. The women knew my story and that he was back there. So I led us in prayer and finished up. Here he comes back up. He touched my elbow and said quietly, “Hey, Anonymous…I’ll see you later, ok?” I was stunned and didn’t know how to react so I just said, “Sure, have a good night!” I mean I am at church and can’t yell or cuss. I turned back to the women and they all look stunned. Two of the women said for sure that he seemed very caring the way he said it. I was just like I don’t know what to think. As the women and I walked down to leave, there he was at the front door. Great…so we went on to the front because it was time to go. I hear, “Anonymous.” And then I hear, “There she is! Anonymous! Come here” I’m thinking NOOOOOOO. But I go over to where ex and our mutual friend is and say, “Here I am! Tada! What’s up?” The friend says, “We were just talking about you.” I said, “Yeah, so I heard. What’s that about?” The friend says, “Only good things! Promise!” I said, “Yeah, yeah! I’ve heard that before.” He said, “Noooo…I was telling him I saw you upstairs.” I wasn’t buying it but I said, “You sure did! And we had a good talk. Look, y’all, the girls are getting ready to leave and I need to say goodbye to them. I hope y’all have a good night! I’ll see ya later! Bye!!” I walked away to the girls but I have been left with questions and uncertainty for days.

That night I could tell there was a change in his demeanor. He was softer. I don’t know what was the matter with him. Conviction? The men from his group telling him honestly about what they thought? No clue. The week before I had been dismissive and the sermon was hard because it was on how you treat people well in relationships and you don’t just treat them like crap. This week I had been polite and the sermon was about amends. Maybe he was feeling something? I don’t know.

What I know now is that I have prayed until I am frustrated. I have heard God finally and His answer was to be still and know that He is God. Ok…I know He is God. But that doesn’t ease my anxiety. That doesn’t let me know what the ex is up to. It is scary and frustrating.

My friend said she saw the whole thing and that he looked sincere. I said he seemed sincere, too, but I don’t trust it or him right now. He broke me. It took years to put me back together. And in just a little over 3 months time, he broke me. She said but you still love him? I said yes. She asked, “What if he wanted to try again?” I said it’s not that easy. I may love him but I love me more. I am not willing to just say it is ok. It’s not. I am broken and hurt and angry. I may not be acting that way at church, but it’s CHURCH. I’m being polite. She asked again, “What if he wanted back together?” I was honest. I said, “I love him and I would try on a condition that I don’t think he would do because he said no before. We would have to do counseling together. That is the only way.” She said that she thought after everything that it sounded fair. I told her I don’t think we have to worry about that.

This all happened on Wednesday. It is late Saturday night/early Sunday morning and I haven’t heard from him. Several of my friends said they thought he would contact me this week. I really didn’t think so. So far I am right. I am trying to be still and know God is God. And I am anxious about Wednesday. The only for sure thing about Wednesday is that I will look good.

If anybody has any thoughts, throw them out there. And throw a prayer up. My anxiety is wow!

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Filed under Men

It Ended

He was quiet unexpectedly. Nothing. 3 days. Finally he said that he realized he was to blame too but that he felt that he felt like he was having to check in with me. He said we argue too much. There have been times when he thought I was angry when I wasn’t. Sometimes I was asking a question and he took it as me being mad. Then he said he felt like he has to report to me daily. I was like what? He would text me quite a bit all day. So I am not supposed to respond or ask about his day? Finally he wants to slow things down because he can’t be “held down”. Ok….because there are several 100s miles between us, that makes PERFECT sense. I’d like to hold him down and pour cold water on him and ask him if he has a brain. Lastly, if i want any kind of relationship with him, friend or something more then give him space. Oh he is getting space.

As angry and hurt as I am, I love him. I know we are two broken people. But don’t blame me for things that are in your broken bag. I am glad you owned up to some of your shit but don’t put this shit all on me. I don’t appreciate it.

I felt like someone cut my chest open and pulled out my heart. It hurt. I have cried and cried. I thought there couldn’t be more tears. There are still more tears. I can’t stand them.

People are telling me that love shouldn’t be so hard and that love doesn’t hurt. You know? I don’t believe that necessarily. Love can and does hurt.

I have prayed and prayed. I felt like God had given me this man. Now I am angry that he is gone. I am devastated. I feel like God said that I need to just wait and let him miss me. I think the man loves me but is terrified and wants to argue in order to distance himself. Very smart. Push away a woman who loves you because you’re scared. That’s brilliant.

I am hurting.

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Shaken Faith

Have you ever had your faith in God or humanity shaken? Where you were just unsure whether anything good could happen again? Mine has been wobbly before, but recently it was completely shaken. I am at a point where I am wondering whether any workplace is going to be good. Is God just going to keep allowing me to be treated like crap while high-school-acting females get away with murdering my career?

I have lost most everyone I cared about in life and most things. I have always worked hard, though, and managed to survive. I am at a point now where I no longer feel like I am surviving.

Is there such thing as karma? What about reaping what we sow? I have heard the phrase “you reap what you sow” several times tonight and wondered about that. Was it an implication that I had done something wrong? Or was it something foretelling that the vipers would get back what they had done? I am not sure.

Right now I am hurt and angry. I am also shocked that Satan can’t see through what is going on and do something to stop it. I actually said that I felt like she needed to stop the drama and she said she couldn’t stop them from talking but yet I needed to watch what I said and did. I may ask her if she can pass down edicts to me why she can’t seem to do that for anyone else. I am expected to follow a certain set of rules but no one else is.

Right now I am so angry and stressed that my jaw is actually hurting from clenching it. My mouth hurts. I couldn’t eat and now my head is throbbing. And a part of me wants to pray but yet I can’t. I don’t know what to say. If I ask, “Why?” I know that I won’t get an answer. So for the moment prayer feels futile. My mind is racing and while I am sleepy, I can’t sleep. My faith is shaken.

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Filed under Life In General

Saying Goodbye

My life has been full of goodbyes. It seems like most of the people I loved left or were taken. I built walls around myself. There is a family that broke through those walls, though, and loved me for who I am and despite who I am. Because I lost my parents in my mid-20s, I needed that love.

Now 17 years later I am forced to begin saying goodbye again. Losing my biological parents nearly destroyed me. Losing my adopted mother has my heart bursting with pain. She is so frail and weak. I love that woman beyond measure. I hate this. I know we can’t live forever, but she deserves more time. I need more time with her.

She is the person who gave me hope again that people are good. She laughed at my irreverence and nurtured my relationship with God. She understood the pain I have gone through and provided comfort when I thought nothing would ever be right.

Tonight I saw her lying in that hospital bed so frail and weak. I just wanted to climb in the bed and hold her and tell her how much she means to me. I didn’t want to upset her by talking about death, though. So we talked about my crazy life and how I thought about sneaking one of the cats in to see her. I made her smile. She made me smile. I told her how much I love her. But it didn’t feel like enough. Is it ever enough? I love her. I hate that she’s leaving me and the rest of her family.

She has been such a strong and loving example. She is honestly one of the best women I have ever known in my life. She has always been slow to admonish and quick to hug.

I don’t like this feeling. But I love her and I don’t want her to suffer.

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Filed under Life In General