Have you ever been fearful of doing something and just didn’t do something you really wanted to do? I ask this because I have things that I want to do that really scare me. It’s not like jumping off a cliff. No, I don’t have the desire to do that and I’m not going to. Fear or no fear. Nope. Not happening!
I want to write. Really write. Yes, I am writing here. This is anonymous, though. I doubt anyone is really reading and it’s ramblings. It’s a variety of thoughts. I want to write something that is more thoughtful. I am scared I can’t stay on topic and not ramble. I am kind of a rambler and I can go down a rabbit hole at times. But I can also weave a story on a dime. Can I keep the story going and complete it? Would it even be a little interesting?
I have wanted to write since I can remember. It is as if I am supposed to write something longer than a blog post and yet I can’t bring myself to actually do it. I want to know how people do it. I want to know if it is easy. Is it something that they just do? Is it something they make themselves do? How do they get started?
Then once knowing the how-to’s we go to the next thing of would my writing be good enough? How would I know? Would anyone want to read it? Why would they?
I wish that I had been encouraged more in this. I know my parents loved me. I just don’t think they understood my passion and fear. I think that they had so many of their own dreams crushed that they didn’t know how to foster mine. They didn’t crush mine. They just didn’t know how to encourage me properly in the way that I needed. Because that, I didn’t have the confidence needed to truly pursue something I wanted. I wonder if others had the same experience.
I am a heartbroken American female. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am so many indescribable things. I feel like there is a dictator holding my country hostage and I am so angry. People voted for this tyrant! My fellow Americans did this heinous act to our country! They did it on purpose! What the hell is wrong with these people? Did they not see what kind of person he was? Did they not care?
I am a Christian woman but I knew who and what this man was years ago. He recently claims to be a Christian. It’s laughable. Christianity isn’t based on treating other humans like crap. It isn’t based on being unkind. It isn’t based on mocking others. It isn’t based on any of that! And for all of these people who think this man represents Christian values, what the hell kind of values do YOU have? It scares me. When you thump a bible at someone, maybe you should open it instead of thumping it! I swear I have wondered if this man is the anti-Christ.
The things I am seeing are so parallel to what Hitler did that it is scary. He’s divided our nation. “Make America Great Again” Guess what, Trump! America has always been great! Every country has issues, but we have always come through and we step up! Maybe you’re un-American because you don’t believe in this country like so many of us do! I believe in my country! I love my country! I love my fellow citizens! Do we need changes? Of course, but not the ones you’re making. You’re dividing us and creating chaos. You’re too full of yourself and worried about the size of things. Napoleon complex? I think so! It takes a leader who is concerned more about the good of the people rather than him/her-self to be an effective and good leader. You are not that person. You talk to hear your own voice, which, by the way is annoying as all get out!
My fellow Americans, I beg you to see what this man is doing to our country. He doesn’t care about you or me. He only cares about himself and money. He is Hitler incarnate. Please don’t fall for this crap. Please see that he is dividing the nation that I know that Americans love. Please don’t let the world think we are weak. Our ancestors fought hard for us to be here. Let’s make them proud. Be patriots. We are Americans. God bless the USA! I love you, America.
Please say that the people that are supposedly candidates are really just pranks. Please!!!!!!! I have been watching and waiting for someone to jump out and yell, “GOTCHA!” So far it hasn’t happened.
The candidates we have for president scare the hell out of me. I don’t like any of them. None. I used to like Hillary but then there have been so many cover ups and things that I just can’t like her anymore. Plus she’s already had her 8 years in the White House. I know Bill was President, but I don’t doubt for one minute that she wasn’t in his ear a few times telling him what to do. By the way, she should have told him more often to keep his pants up, but she seems to have gotten that under control. Or she took his viagra away. Who knows? Whatever the case is Bill is behaving. But Hillary hasn’t been.
And the Republican front runner makes me want to scream. Actually, I do scream at the television and computer screen when I hear some of the stupidity he spews. In a time of such unrest throughout the world, I really don’t think we need such a loose cannon running this country. He seems to think that he can say whatever he pleases with no ramifications. I’m sorry, Donald, but if you piss the world off, they do have weapons that they could all turn toward us. We really don’t need or want that. How about you shut your mouth and learn something about tact and diplomacy? There’s an old saying in the South: If you ain’t got something nice to say, then don’t say nothin’ at all. Try it just once in a while. I’m not saying be a wimp. But just because a thought crosses your mind, it doesn’t necessarily have to cross your lips.
I am not happy where we are at, but I am terrified of what is coming. These candidates are absolutely appalling. Again, I wish they were pranks, but unfortunately I don’t think they are. I think it’s real.
I have hope and I wonder if I should dare to do that. Is it tempting fate? Is it a way to get hurt? I don’t know. As some of you know, I have been on the quest for new employment. I had an interview last week and it went really well. I got a call that I missed (because I was asleep from working all night the previous evening) saying that they were calling to discuss my recent interview. I called back but she was already gone. I have been anxious and hopeful all weekend. Most rejections are in the form of ignoring the interviewee after the fact, an email or a form letter. This was a real call! A bona fide cheery call. I’ve been replaying the voicemail and listening for a trace of negativity in it. There was none. I have analyzed the words until I’m sick of myself and my crazy brain that wants to know the what-ifs of everything.
It is now after 4am on what is now Monday morning. I feel like a kid waiting on Santa Claus. I am hoping there isn’t a bag of switches or a lump of coal waiting on me. I’m hoping to hear, “Anonymous, you have a job with a great organization and we want you to start immediately!”
Say a prayer. Think a good thought. I’m about to jump out of my skin!
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. (What else is new?) I haven’t liked how my life has been going for a long time. So what to do? I haven’t been sure. I have been contemplating, thinking, wishing, praying, etc.
I am not a person who thrives on change. In fact, I don’t like change. It scares me. I have made some really bad decisions in life. Those decisions have been painful and even harmful to myself. No, I don’t cut myself or anything. But I do have an eating disorder that has caused me to be more than a little overweight. I did that to myself. People usually think of eating disorders as anorexia or bulimia. I don’t not eat. I also don’t make myself throw up. I just eat…a lot. I think I did it as a way of self preservation. People have hurt me mentally, physically and emotionally. If you build a buffer around yourself then people don’t get close usually. The people who really care will. In general, though, society will stay away.
It is ironic that what I did to protect myself ended up hurting me. I didn’t want people to hurt me and yet I hurt myself. I didn’t want people around and yet I miss them. Crazy, huh?
After all of this thinking, I came to the conclusion that while weight is now my problem, another huge issue is the fact that I have been surrounded by a lot of negative people. Some of those people were my choice and some others were forced upon me.
What to do? I’m fat and I don’t like the negative people in my life. I have been listening lately to what I call the “Jesus Station” on the radio. It seems that between the Jesus Station and other forms of communication I keep hearing the same theme. Pretty much I have come to the conclusion that if I want a change of any sort I need to focus on positive things. This includes taking care of myself mentally and physically. I am not saying that weight loss will solve my problems. I believe being positive will only be beneficial. How can it not be? If I work on feeling better physically, shouldn’t I also feel better mentally? I suppose. I hope. Positivity also includes working toward doing positive things in general. Blessing others blesses me. It gives me a warmth in my heart and soul that food often gives me. Rather than eating so much, maybe I need to focus on being positive. Feeding my soul is much healthier than feeding my body too much.
It feels like resolutions and it is a little early for that. Maybe instead of resolutions, though, I should just do the best I can. I honestly can’t do anymore than that. Focus on positive for myself and others.
I have had a lot of negative feelings about the way my life has been going. It has made me anxious, hopeless and depressed. I have finally gotten to the point where I just can’t stand things the way they are.
Work is the main source of my discomfort. I have worked my ass off. Well, not literally. Actually I have gained a lot of weight due to the depression and frustration. As an example of the amount of work I have done, during the month of August I literally had 3 whole days off for a 31 day period. Yes, you read that correctly. My boss hasn’t cared that I am burnt out. In fact I think the boss is actually punishing me for some imagined misdeed.
The good news about this bullshit? I am actively seeking new employment. I can’t stand this life. It is driving me to the point where I cry driving to work. I am anxious at work because I am never sure when the boss is going to start some negative interaction.
I have had some interviews recently and they were very positive. I actually had a job offer that I am unsure about. I am almost desperate to say, “Yes!” But I don’t trust it. It’s involved in print media and I just don’t feel that is a good choice because the job has no benefits and I need insurance. I also feel that print media is dying. Most people are moving toward digital. I also interviewed with another company that seems like a good environment. I like that they invested money to do a personality assessment for the position that was intense. The test also was dead on. I will know in a few days if I make it to round 2.
The other issue of going…I have applied for jobs out-of-state. I have been selected to test for 2 really good jobs. The problem is that it’s 300 miles to the state and I don’t have time off from work. These positions are really good. But I am questioning this because I don’t have a place to live and right now my credit is crappy. I also am not ready to see some of my family and friends. I am concerned about the timing. I applied without the belief that I would be chosen at all. I wonder whether I should call in sick to work and make a 24 hour, 600 mile trip for 2 tests?
I am confused. I am frustrated. I am ready for a change.