I hate my brain at times. It won’t shut down. It replays painful things and analyzes them. Why did this happen? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him? Am I going to always hurt?
I want to go to bed right now but my brain is spinning. It won’t stop. I hurt but yet I am very angry. I want to tell him off but that is pointless. He would take it as “she still wants me” and what it really is is the fact that I think he is a pompous asshole who needs to be told that treating people that way is shitty.
I didn’t turn my love off. I can’t do that. But I realized that his treatment of me was horrific. My heart is still tender. I am sure it will be for a bit. I loved him honestly and without stipulations. He put limitations and stipulations on his feelings for me and placed blame on me for everything. That’s not fair or right.
I’m hurt and angry. At him, myself, God, the world…
I am a God-fearing Christian woman. Make no mistake. But I am hurting tonight. On Valentine’s Day and the day after my heart was hurt and yet hurt yet again. He said he loved me but he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m hurting tonight and the only way I knew to ease that pain somehow was to drink. I have drunk so much that I can’t feel my tongue and the room spins when I close my eyes.
I’m going to be truthful, though. I thought he was the one. I thought we could overcome and surpass anything. I loved him. How stupid I am to think that in my mid 40s? Pretty damn stupid.
So tonight I got drunk. Really drunk. I’m examining my life and it really sucks. I am not suicidal but I am so hurt and angry right now that i don’t know what to do or say.
I believed. I really did. Now I don’t know what I think. I believe it for others but not for myself. It’s too late.
Humans want to have love. It is something we crave. I have wanted it since I was a child..to feel truly loved. And I haven’t felt loved, never completely. For a brief moment I did. And then it was over. On Valentine’s Day and the day after. How romantic.
So now the pain has caught up and I’m drunk and hurt. Is it good to do this? No. But I don’t have anyone to turn to. I’m alone. I just want to cry to someone. I can’t. So I type and cry to you. I believed. I did.
So while every other aspect of life is so -so, this one is debilitating. I just want to hibernate and sleep or cry. I hurt.
Still no word. My heart hurts. I feel like I have been at war with myself all week. “Text him!” No! I feel like God told me to not text him or call him. He needs to miss me. But does he miss me? I don’t know. He sure hasn’t picked up the phone. But he does still “like” one of my art pages. I thought he would leave that too. No. So maybe he is watching that. I opened my Facebook up so he can look if he wants. I am not putting anything I am ashamed of. Let him get glimpses of me. Today he can see my new auburn hair color. And I was smiling.
I sent his painting to him. I had started one for him of his guitar. I couldn’t keep it. I couldn’t destroy it. So I shipped it. I sent a letter with it. Here is what it said:
I know you must be surprised to be getting this. But once you said you wanted a guitar painting, this one was yours. I wanted it to resemble yours. I hope it is close. I started it immediately after that conversation. It bothers me that it isn’t perfect but I hope you still like it. I know you might be wondering why after everything I am sending it. It was always yours. It was never for me or mine. I wouldn’t want anyone else to have it and I can’t destroy it. I care too much about it and you to do that. It reminds me of you and if you’re not in my life, I just can’t see it–it hurts.
Alabama, I know it was only 6 weeks. But it made me happy to know there was someone who seemed to understand my hurts and fears, who laughed with me, who seemed to think I was pretty. It was amazing to me because I found you handsome, exciting, fun, challenging and caring.
I am sorry for holding too tightly. I never meant to–all of the losses in my life caused a lot of fear. I just wish you’d communicated before giving up. We could have been special. As much as I hurt, I know you’re a good man, Alabama. I miss you.
My heart hurts. I don’t know how to grieve. I have grieved all my life. This is different. It was the beginning of love. And the end. I thought it was special. I have lost everyone in my life. I should know how to do this. I should. I have cried all weekend. I got drunk Friday night. I stayed sober Saturday. I went to church today. Nothing feels good. I have prayed. I feel like there is a hole in my heart. I honestly don’t know how I am alive. How do you stay alive with no beating heart? I am not sure.
What do y’all do when you hurt like this? My friends have not been supportive. One told me that I put myself in a position to get hurt so I pretty much deserved it. I lost love and friendships this weekend. I am at a loss. I’m hurt and angry.