Still no word. My heart hurts. I feel like I have been at war with myself all week. “Text him!” No! I feel like God told me to not text him or call him. He needs to miss me. But does he miss me? I don’t know. He sure hasn’t picked up the phone. But he does still “like” one of my art pages. I thought he would leave that too. No. So maybe he is watching that. I opened my Facebook up so he can look if he wants. I am not putting anything I am ashamed of. Let him get glimpses of me. Today he can see my new auburn hair color. And I was smiling.
I sent his painting to him. I had started one for him of his guitar. I couldn’t keep it. I couldn’t destroy it. So I shipped it. I sent a letter with it. Here is what it said:
I know you must be surprised to be getting this. But once you said you wanted a guitar painting, this one was yours. I wanted it to resemble yours. I hope it is close. I started it immediately after that conversation. It bothers me that it isn’t perfect but I hope you still like it. I know you might be wondering why after everything I am sending it. It was always yours. It was never for me or mine. I wouldn’t want anyone else to have it and I can’t destroy it. I care too much about it and you to do that. It reminds me of you and if you’re not in my life, I just can’t see it–it hurts.
Alabama, I know it was only 6 weeks. But it made me happy to know there was someone who seemed to understand my hurts and fears, who laughed with me, who seemed to think I was pretty. It was amazing to me because I found you handsome, exciting, fun, challenging and caring.
I am sorry for holding too tightly. I never meant to–all of the losses in my life caused a lot of fear. I just wish you’d communicated before giving up. We could have been special. As much as I hurt, I know you’re a good man, Alabama. I miss you.