It Ended

He was quiet unexpectedly. Nothing. 3 days. Finally he said that he realized he was to blame too but that he felt that he felt like he was having to check in with me. He said we argue too much. There have been times when he thought I was angry when I wasn’t. Sometimes I was asking a question and he took it as me being mad. Then he said he felt like he has to report to me daily. I was like what? He would text me quite a bit all day. So I am not supposed to respond or ask about his day? Finally he wants to slow things down because he can’t be “held down”. Ok….because there are several 100s miles between us, that makes PERFECT sense. I’d like to hold him down and pour cold water on him and ask him if he has a brain. Lastly, if i want any kind of relationship with him, friend or something more then give him space. Oh he is getting space.

As angry and hurt as I am, I love him. I know we are two broken people. But don’t blame me for things that are in your broken bag. I am glad you owned up to some of your shit but don’t put this shit all on me. I don’t appreciate it.

I felt like someone cut my chest open and pulled out my heart. It hurt. I have cried and cried. I thought there couldn’t be more tears. There are still more tears. I can’t stand them.

People are telling me that love shouldn’t be so hard and that love doesn’t hurt. You know? I don’t believe that necessarily. Love can and does hurt.

I have prayed and prayed. I felt like God had given me this man. Now I am angry that he is gone. I am devastated. I feel like God said that I need to just wait and let him miss me. I think the man loves me but is terrified and wants to argue in order to distance himself. Very smart. Push away a woman who loves you because you’re scared. That’s brilliant.

I am hurting.


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