Today is my birthday. It is also my mother’s birthday. She’s dead. Has been for almost 19 years. Try as I might, I have been unsuccessful for 19 years to make peace with this day. We spent every one together for 25 years and then no more. It is hard because all of these memories flood my mind and heart and I usually break down in tears. That is why I always try to take my birthday off from work. I don’t want a barrage of memories to invade my mind and to bring more emotions to a negative place.
Yesterday I found out that my oldest aunt on my mother’s side died. She died a peaceful death, if there is such a thing. She was old and she had medical issues. It was time. She ate lunch and took a nap and never woke up. Kinda the way my mother died except Mama had a heart attack in her sleep.
I have made it another circle around the sun. It feels like a carousel sometimes. Sometimes you want to lean back as you hold tight and close your eyes and just savor the moment. Other times you feel as if the carousel is a little too fast and you’re nauseous and just want off the stupid thing. I am not sure which one I feel now. I think I am a little numb.