Insight

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. (What else is new?) I haven’t liked how my life has been going for a long time. So what to do? I haven’t been sure. I have been contemplating, thinking, wishing, praying, etc.

I am not a person who thrives on change. In fact, I don’t like change. It scares me. I have made some really bad decisions in life. Those decisions have been painful and even harmful to myself. No, I don’t cut myself or anything. But I do have an eating disorder that has caused me to be more than a little overweight. I did that to myself. People usually think of eating disorders as anorexia or bulimia. I don’t not eat. I also don’t make myself throw up. I just eat…a lot. I think I did it as a way of self preservation. People have hurt me mentally, physically and emotionally. If you build a buffer around yourself then people don’t get close usually. The people who really care will. In general, though, society will stay away.

It is ironic that what I did to protect myself ended up hurting me. I didn’t want people to hurt me and yet I hurt myself. I didn’t want people around and yet I miss them. Crazy, huh?

After all of this thinking, I came to the conclusion that while weight is now my problem, another huge issue is the fact that I have been surrounded by a lot of negative people. Some of those people were my choice and some others were forced upon me.

What to do? I’m fat and I don’t like the negative people in my life. I have been listening lately to what I call the “Jesus Station” on the radio. It seems that between the Jesus Station and other forms of communication I keep hearing the same theme. Pretty much I have come to the conclusion that if I want a change of any sort I need to focus on positive things. This includes taking care of myself mentally and physically. I am not saying that weight loss will solve my problems. I believe being positive will only be beneficial. How can it not be? If I work on feeling better physically, shouldn’t I also feel better mentally? I suppose. I hope. Positivity also includes working toward doing positive things in general. Blessing others blesses me. It gives me a warmth in my heart and soul that food often gives me. Rather than eating so much, maybe I need to focus on being positive. Feeding my soul is much healthier than feeding my body too much.

It feels like resolutions and it is a little early for that. Maybe instead of resolutions, though, I should just do the best I can. I honestly can’t do anymore than that. Focus on positive for myself and others.

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