My life has been full of goodbyes. It seems like most of the people I loved left or were taken. I built walls around myself. There is a family that broke through those walls, though, and loved me for who I am and despite who I am. Because I lost my parents in my mid-20s, I needed that love.
Now 17 years later I am forced to begin saying goodbye again. Losing my biological parents nearly destroyed me. Losing my adopted mother has my heart bursting with pain. She is so frail and weak. I love that woman beyond measure. I hate this. I know we can’t live forever, but she deserves more time. I need more time with her.
She is the person who gave me hope again that people are good. She laughed at my irreverence and nurtured my relationship with God. She understood the pain I have gone through and provided comfort when I thought nothing would ever be right.
Tonight I saw her lying in that hospital bed so frail and weak. I just wanted to climb in the bed and hold her and tell her how much she means to me. I didn’t want to upset her by talking about death, though. So we talked about my crazy life and how I thought about sneaking one of the cats in to see her. I made her smile. She made me smile. I told her how much I love her. But it didn’t feel like enough. Is it ever enough? I love her. I hate that she’s leaving me and the rest of her family.
She has been such a strong and loving example. She is honestly one of the best women I have ever known in my life. She has always been slow to admonish and quick to hug.
I don’t like this feeling. But I love her and I don’t want her to suffer.