Saying Goodbye

My life has been full of goodbyes. It seems like most of the people I loved left or were taken. I built walls around myself. There is a family that broke through those walls, though, and loved me for who I am and despite who I am. Because I lost my parents in my mid-20s, I needed that love.

Now 17 years later I am forced to begin saying goodbye again. Losing my biological parents nearly destroyed me. Losing my adopted mother has my heart bursting with pain. She is so frail and weak. I love that woman beyond measure. I hate this. I know we can’t live forever, but she deserves more time. I need more time with her.

She is the person who gave me hope again that people are good. She laughed at my irreverence and nurtured my relationship with God. She understood the pain I have gone through and provided comfort when I thought nothing would ever be right.

Tonight I saw her lying in that hospital bed so frail and weak. I just wanted to climb in the bed and hold her and tell her how much she means to me. I didn’t want to upset her by talking about death, though. So we talked about my crazy life and how I thought about sneaking one of the cats in to see her. I made her smile. She made me smile. I told her how much I love her. But it didn’t feel like enough. Is it ever enough? I love her. I hate that she’s leaving me and the rest of her family.

She has been such a strong and loving example. She is honestly one of the best women I have ever known in my life. She has always been slow to admonish and quick to hug.

I don’t like this feeling. But I love her and I don’t want her to suffer.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Saying Goodbye

  1. I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I know how it feels to lose a mother, and it’s one of the worst feelings in the world. You do feel trapped…trapped between wanting them to stay or letting them go. I will be praying for you and thinking about you for the next little while. If you’re anything like I was, you’ll need every single one of those prayers.

    • Thank you. I am sorry you understand that pain. It can shake you to your core. When I lost my Mama, I was only 25. It was a shock that I have never truly recovered from. She and I had a bond that was amazing. I never thought I would love someone else as a mother-figure so intensely. My adopted Mama has been my rock for 17 years, though. I have never met such a kind, caring and giving woman. I don’t want her suffering but I don’t want to suffer. I won’t be selfish, though. I will tell her crazy stories about my life and do my best to put a smile on her face. I will try not to cry in front of her but she knows I am a crybaby. She won’t be shocked.

      Thank you so much for such care. Of course someone with such a similar upbringing as mine would understand. 🙂 Thank you.

      • So this is the second time around for you…man, that has got to be tough! You were (are) so very lucky to have found that kind of love not only once, but twice in your life. Some people never find it at all. Like I said before, I will be praying for you all. It takes some mighty healing to fix that kind of hurt. 😦

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